At last

ive been away a while, under the impression for 80% of it that i was recovering. At last, i recognize the more i attempt to recover the more damage i do. I was told by a wise mouth "damage control is a terrible play to be in for long periods of time... and that is where you live day in and day out every day of your life"

Recently the anxiety has had more of a negative impact than the ED, but dear old ana never leaves my side. I have lost my passion of dancing as i under-ate my way into physical exhaustion .. dropping to 100lbs in april of this year and incurring some medical concerns i have not yet brought to a specialist. its been about 3 months since my last menstral cycle and thats how i know shes back. Shes always back when this happens. But then my hormones are in a storm of distress and have no release - leading to anxiety- leading to panic attacks. i feel debilitated. calling into work because im too anxious or depressed.
Today was  commited to me time, focusing on successes and the benefits of being alive. instead i sit here blogging about my recent consumption habits- er- lack there of.

Its been a battle. and there was something i read today... "if youre battling, youre doing it wrong"
by battling the emotions, urges, etc.. youre causing angst and frustration. tension. this is not coping, this is fighting. accept what it is and that its there, but adjust your relationship with the mindsets and feelings and how you react to them.

it sure seemed like a fountain of fucking wisdom to me. until i thought, okay, but how am i supposed to relate to these feelings? i feel the majority of my inhibility to kick these diseases is because...HOW DOES ONE LET GO?
i keep being told, just let it go. let it happen. relax.
but how? how do i let it go?
how do i let my constant mental block allow me to eat more than 2 slices of break a fucking day?
how do i let my constant mental block allow me to stop worrying that im not eating enough but if i eat more it it will just make matters worse? how do you balance this?


i am exhausted.
and because of that, i am back. full fledged. just as broken as the day i left