I wanted you until i had you

I want a divorce today, Ana
I've given you everything. Anything you asked for. In sickness and in health. And you gave me everything I wanted, a flat stomach. That keeps getting flatter. But I keep having these weird lucid moments where I notice my hips are about to Pierce the skin. Where I cry because I can't even get three spoon fulls into a bowl of soup before I can't consume anymore. my stomach has shrank that much. Where  when I bend over I see the curve of my intestines like a sack of organs you pull out of the turkey before cooking your thanksgiving feast. My skin is randomly peeling off like it used to when I was young... I'm scared. My moment of consciousness challenges me "what's the point of being skinny if you're not alive to enjoy it".
I had such a good handle on you Ana, you and I we used to have the best times. I had the perfect body. I was a cheap date. and I had enough in me to survive. But now... Now I don't know how to help myself. I feel myself slowly dying. And I'm horrified. So sometimes its easier to ignore it and sleep off the stomach pains. All of the time its easier to lie to myself and pretend nothing's wrong.
I'm sorry. To myself. For ever thinking I wasn't beautiful. For ever wanting to change myself so much I'm nearly killing myself. I deserved better than that... So I'm sorry. But I'm so far gone at this point I just don't know if I can make it up to you.
So please ana, just go. Its been an amazing 14 years. And I want to forget every single one.

At last

ive been away a while, under the impression for 80% of it that i was recovering. At last, i recognize the more i attempt to recover the more damage i do. I was told by a wise mouth "damage control is a terrible play to be in for long periods of time... and that is where you live day in and day out every day of your life"

Recently the anxiety has had more of a negative impact than the ED, but dear old ana never leaves my side. I have lost my passion of dancing as i under-ate my way into physical exhaustion .. dropping to 100lbs in april of this year and incurring some medical concerns i have not yet brought to a specialist. its been about 3 months since my last menstral cycle and thats how i know shes back. Shes always back when this happens. But then my hormones are in a storm of distress and have no release - leading to anxiety- leading to panic attacks. i feel debilitated. calling into work because im too anxious or depressed.
Today was  commited to me time, focusing on successes and the benefits of being alive. instead i sit here blogging about my recent consumption habits- er- lack there of.

Its been a battle. and there was something i read today... "if youre battling, youre doing it wrong"
by battling the emotions, urges, etc.. youre causing angst and frustration. tension. this is not coping, this is fighting. accept what it is and that its there, but adjust your relationship with the mindsets and feelings and how you react to them.

it sure seemed like a fountain of fucking wisdom to me. until i thought, okay, but how am i supposed to relate to these feelings? i feel the majority of my inhibility to kick these diseases is because...HOW DOES ONE LET GO?
i keep being told, just let it go. let it happen. relax.
but how? how do i let it go?
how do i let my constant mental block allow me to eat more than 2 slices of break a fucking day?
how do i let my constant mental block allow me to stop worrying that im not eating enough but if i eat more it it will just make matters worse? how do you balance this?


i am exhausted.
and because of that, i am back. full fledged. just as broken as the day i left

I missed you, Ana. Where have you been?

 You know that moment in your "disorder" where you are in and out of a mania? I missed you, mania. When i wake up, and i feel that tightening of my stomach, starving and wanting to consume. But the moment that edibility touches my lips i feel the urge of purge. I love that feeling, where i am satisfied being hungry and my stomach gets to make the decisions that my head is struggling with. Let's face it... in all of us there are moments where we think "Why can i not just be normal. I want to eat" And that is where ana puts us back in our place, she crushes her heel on our jaw and says "No." The best No i have ever heard.

Today? I have consumed one bite of wheat bread.
yay carbs

that's all that has touched my stomach lining in probably two days. good. making progress.
Feeling hideous has never felt so good.


I am careless
But i can fal if i want to, because i dont have to stay on the ground. i can get back up when i want to. I am just not ready yet. I would like to take some time to lay here and just admire the clouds.

Progress

Alright. He's been served. the divorce is officially filed, but not completed. I have to put my house up for sale. but for now things are steiady. simple. im in love. ive never been treated this good in my life.
ive paid the 811.00 i owed in IRS state taxes. I'm closing in on a promotion opportunity at work.
So then, why is this still so shakey? Why do i still feel so unstable and broken?

Positivity.
Progress.

i will be okay. i will move on. i will be fine. right?

Keep calm and stay alive.

 And so, it begins. I have opted for divorce. Finally. 20 years old, losing a husband? Or gaining a future? I'm not sure... To put it lightly, my husband is a complete waste of skin. He sucks up all the fresh air and vomits dust and fumes... he has ruined my life. I have found someone else. Someone who supports me in life long dreams, someone who loves me, and understands that I have an eating disorder. He understands, and he accepts it. I have hit 113lbs. still going. lately i've been dealing with a handful of  "real world" problems... if i am not so depressed i am starving myself, i am so depressed i'm gorging myself. Its been a very hard few months. The seperation started in June, he moved out. I have been having a hard time ever since...
But i think it's best now to continue my blog momentarily, I feel suicidal lately, maybe being heard will ease that? I don't know...My life is full of dark right now. Skinny is all ive got left... forgive typos.. ive been bawling for days. So, this may be a short montage of my life, but now those who i've left will understand i am alive. I am going to be okay. And im still getting to SKINNY.

I will not follow blogs back, i will not read other blogs. All comments will be moderated. at this time in my life, i ask that you have enough respect to keep your mouth shut if there is nothing nice to say because with how emotionally disturbed ive been lately, you may be the reason that last string holding me together gets snipped.


So, LET THE GAMES BEGIN

Goodbye.

So i have done alot of thinking. ive decided this blog is going to be removed, and or not updated for a long time. it triggers me. and sends me into a mental spiral of terrible things. ive eaten depression alive at this point and its affecting my job performance, my performance as an artist, and my will to even get up in the morning. being a blog, reading other blogs, it makes me think... " i must not be skinny enough". i liked life much better when i was in my own little anorexic world, not able to compare myself to other anas. if i do at one time decide to repost i will disable all comments. and write to write. not to see who im writing to.

this has made me hate myself more than id like to admit,
the point in this blog was to feel empowered in myself as an ana, to make me feel strong and independant in my disorder and not open myself to judgement. the point in this blog has officially become mute. its made me weak. and my self confidence at an all time low. I appreciate everyones thoughts and concerns but i will be moving forward in my pro-ana ways. in my own ways.

farewell. i wish you all the best.

Dead or alive

So I apologize for the lack of updates. There was a recent death by cancer in my family and it has taken some time to cope... It's still pretty rocky but I went back to work yesterday after a week and I was doing pretty good. I'll update tomorrow when i have time. I love you all dear readers.