Goodbye.

So i have done alot of thinking. ive decided this blog is going to be removed, and or not updated for a long time. it triggers me. and sends me into a mental spiral of terrible things. ive eaten depression alive at this point and its affecting my job performance, my performance as an artist, and my will to even get up in the morning. being a blog, reading other blogs, it makes me think... " i must not be skinny enough". i liked life much better when i was in my own little anorexic world, not able to compare myself to other anas. if i do at one time decide to repost i will disable all comments. and write to write. not to see who im writing to.

this has made me hate myself more than id like to admit,
the point in this blog was to feel empowered in myself as an ana, to make me feel strong and independant in my disorder and not open myself to judgement. the point in this blog has officially become mute. its made me weak. and my self confidence at an all time low. I appreciate everyones thoughts and concerns but i will be moving forward in my pro-ana ways. in my own ways.

farewell. i wish you all the best.

Dead or alive

So I apologize for the lack of updates. There was a recent death by cancer in my family and it has taken some time to cope... It's still pretty rocky but I went back to work yesterday after a week and I was doing pretty good. I'll update tomorrow when i have time. I love you all dear readers.

Ana..tomic bomb

I feel like I've fallen into a black hole where I can see nothing and feel nothing. Everyone is dying around me. It's thrown off every aspect of "happy" I had going.

I feel weak lately. And still no bones. I need bones . It's been months now of utter starvation (or nearing ) and the weightloss has been minimal.
I know its the desk job. But by the time I have a moment to actually engage in physical activity I am too depressed or weak to take action on it.

I have been hating body more and more lately. I feel full at empty. And feeling full makes me sick. But i have no energy if I eat nothing. So ill sneak in half a rice cake every other day... I just don't understand why my body refuses to fall back into anas arms comfortably as my mind has already done so..

I kind of wish today that there was no ellie. That ellie was never. And wouldn't have to wish she was something else. If that makes sense.....

Emergency

Blogger decided the publish failed. Originally published 3/10/2012

So along with being deathly ill myself my husband had a family emergency back in our home town so I have been here the past few days.

As far as weight is concerned I haven't shed a pound and I'm starting to become very frustrated with it. I haven't eaten but the lack of nutrients has murdered my metabolism and I am unable to exercise from all these joint pains.

Hopefully I will hit my goal weight for this month and be able.to update my current weight soon!

I'm sorry I haven't been updating a lot but I am working on trying to remember.
Todays calorie intake? One full throttle energy drink. That is all.

I will keep you all posted when I get back home Sunday or Monday.

bytheway

I painted this today

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eating starvation, by the handfuls.

So. As we all anticipated the results of the 1sts weigh in I had some unfortunate events occure.  I.e. my fence fell into my neighbors yard. So now that its been temporarily fixed, here are the results of the 1sts weigh in.

127.

Not as good as I'd hoped. But shed a few pounds.

Now here is the shitty thing, my husband has been getting into you-have-to-eat arguments with me. And so weigh in today 128.... I'm really dissatisfied with the results of this. But last night we had a conversation (now I know none of you probably care anything about this, but-)

So my husband and I have some issues intimately... Well... I do. The whole I think I'm fat and feel 100% disgusting kinda kills the mood a lot so sex life is pretty rare because of my.. complex.

So i asked him out of curiosity if he had to choose between me eating "normal" or sex which he would choose. And he said sex. So, that is my goahead. No more pressuring me to eat. No more arguments. I'm estatic.

Other than that, I'm sick. I've come down with a cold of some sort. Scratchy throat. Fatigued. Cough. Stuffy nose. And awkwardly, swollen lips?

So I'm going to have some fruit. A lot of vitamins. Tea. Orange juice..etc.

I will update again as soon as possible. Life has been so busy somehow.

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