no eating for ellie.

Quick update before work. It feels amazing to be empty lately. Yesterday was another restriction success. Im getting very satisfied with how simple this is. I feel like the ana inside me is back. I so easily slid into the same pattern as when 98 lbs was my normal weight. I am obsessed. Weight controls every aspect of my day. What clothes I wear. What my mood is. Today is a day full of sunshine and starvation. And man, it feels good.

I may just never eat again. Ever. This feeling of clean. It's empowering. I never noticed. But its all i ever want. It is my entire meaning. :) and i feel so awesome knowing that.

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fast.

I had a full day of a successful fast that I'

m going to try to keep going tomorrow as well

. Food just doesn'

t look the same today

. It makes me sick to even think of putting anything in my mouth that'

s not a drink

. I've fed off chai

tea and water all day

.

I wish everyday was like this

. An empty day

. A clean day

. Hopefully it will help me get close to my goal. I don't plan on weighing in until the 1st

. It'

s been hard.but its going to feel so good to look at that scale and see thin

.

I really don'

t have much to say lately

... Other than my calorie counts

. Which I know get so insanely boring

.

I also know many of my followers follow a specific blog who'

s recent post stated that the difference between wanarexic and anorexic is being severely underweight

. While I believe that'

s true, I believe it to a point

. I may not be severely underweight right now, but at 6 years of 98 lbs and less I

was medically defined as anorexic

. I'v

e always had the same mind set

. But tried being "healthy" per my husbands request when we got married

. I don't believe it changes .I'm doing what is called "relapsing" like many do with drugs, alchohol, addictions. That doesn't mean I'

m not anorexic

. I guess my point was I was a little offended by

their post

. Some people

relapse on eating disorders because we feel dirty and unclean without them

. Or empty

. And somehow in out twisted minds an empty stomach fills the empty head

. Bulimia is not an official diagnos

is for me

. It won'

t ever be, as I refuse to speak to medical proffession about my EDs again

. But with my ana I was sent through years of therapy and "family support" ( they honestly triggerred more than they helped)

I gained some weight, which is expected when your pursuing recovery

. By my stats I am defined as a "healthy weight"

Or the required weigh

t. But I will not be there for long

. In a month or two I will be back

in my size 0

. And in 3-4 I will be in my 00 jeans

. The way I'

m supposed to be

. The way I was until recently

. But being ana for that long.when you seek recovery your metabolism doesn'

t know what to do with the sudden food intake and cannot digest it the normal way, hence the weight gain

. If I was any normal person eating at max 900 calories a day would have gained maybe 10 lbs

. But because my body doesn'

t know how to take food in standard portions it gets confused and makes weight gain a more possible and plausible option

.

Now I understa

nd where she is coming from I just feel the need to voice my opinion on my eating disorder as everyone is different

. I agree at 1

35+

you are surely not anorexic, just adopting the behaviors of ana as a "diet" (which at that point will catagorize you as a wannarexic)

If you'v

e never been underweight for your stats then you use restriction as a dietary behavior, its not a mental restriction

.

But relapse doesn'

t reclassify you as ednos or wanarexic

. It'

s simply relapsing

.

I'

m done

. I'll start babbling myself into a hot mess and offendin

g

peop

le an

d her blog is the last thing id ever want to offend.

Until tomorrow

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few words.

Alright. So. I'm sick. And sick is as sick does, so needless to say I'm going to be lazing around sipping on tea. I will update when i feel better.

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Calorie Count

so far this morning ive eaten the healthiest of healthy. we got to go grocery shopping last night and i couldnt help myself, i HAD to have an awesome veg sandwich.

So today i made one with the following ingredients/cal count

Avacado 1/2 - 138
Hummus (artichoke/garlic) 1 tbsp- 25 cal
dijon mustard - 0cal
mayo (1/2 tbsp) 45 cal
spinach -7cal
1 tbsp chopped onion (raw) - 4 cal
2 slices white bread - 140 cal
black pepper - 0cal
cheddar cheese 1/2 slice - 56.5 cal

= 415.50 cal total



there wont be any other foods today and a handful of exercise.
Tomorrow will be a fasting day. the 1st is coming up so soon and im trying to do all i can to check that scale and be at 128 at the MAX (eating healthy (??) when i thought i was pregnant very much offset every inch of progress i had made. Im talking 129-133.... so im trying to get back on track asap as there is NO way ill be meeting my goal for this month. a sad, but truthful statement. )


i will keep everyone updated on how my fasting goes tomorrow night :)
and a few other life happenings ... i should get a television show with how much goes on.

2012 reasons to give up?

I feel like life is out to get me. for those who dont backtrack my posts lets give a summary
jan 13th-bought a house (relying on my 12.20 hr pay +commission)
jan 23rd-without warning, and for wrongful reasons, lost my job (including 12.20 hr pay +commission)
jan 24th- score interview with job ACROSS THE STREET from previous job, basically doing same thing for another company
jan 25th- Ace interview, hired on the spot to start monday
Jan 30th- first day of work, going awesome.
Feb somethingoranother- havent had period, PANIC
Feb somethingelseoranother- get blood test for pregnancy, negative
Feb yesterday- finally felt like i was back on my feet
feb 22 (today)- husband gets told he gets to talk to the assistant manager at work tomorrow (the only reason he would do this is to get fired.)


....knocked back on ass....

2012 is out to get me. Its given me every reason to hate everything.

SO.
 i hate my life
i hate my weight
i hate my luck
and im about to collapse into dust from all the stress and anxiety
and to make it all worse my husbands being all sneaky in making my eat by getting mcdonalds( THE WORST POSSIBLE THING) so that he can act like "i paid money for that, dont waste it".
needless to say i will not be posting a calorie count for today.
just imagine fries (tried giving as much as i could to the dogs)
5mcnuggets(no sauce)
3cups broccoli steamed, peppered, and like.... a tiny square of butter (i couldnt help myself, my stomach stretched from all the icky micky Ds)
and an energy drink and a chai frappaccino



lard






anyway, thats my update. Im going to go  take out my frustrations on ...something else. not sure what yet.

short and sweet.

calorie count


1egg - 78 cal
ketchup (1tbsp) - 20
3 ricecakes (butteredpopcorn) - 105
3 cups hot coco - 165


total cal intake = 368

because cal intake is so low i have neglected my exercise today.

today was... long. Thats about it. Long. long. long. long.long.
my stomache is starting to growl, im going to bed before i ruin my 368countofsuccess!

weigh me down.

calorie count

1sausage link - 138cal
1cupcake, limited frosting (must guess on this, average cupcake boxmix 90 cal per plain cupcake) ~130 cal with 1/4 tablespoon frosting?
3 buttered popcorn ricecake- 150 cal
3 cups hotcoco (It snowed, i justify this.) 165 (just powder mix, no added sugar,milk,etc...)
1 cup herbal tea 0caffine -0cal


Total cal intake - 583

short walk today burned around 200 cal

roughly 383 cal intake today after exercise.

im trying really hard to kick the mia habbit and using it as a fallback and strictly restrict intake.
Hopefully that will inspire me enough to finish my canvas piece of artistic portrayal of ana.
I highly doubt that will be an any-time-soon sort of piece, but i will do my best. I believe im going to start posting my art on here. Alot of it has to do with my EDs. It creates what it wants to, my hands just help execute it.


Also, i will not be weighing myself until march 1st on a thursday (as i stated before id much rather ensure that my weight ha gone down before i stress myself out anymore)



and for an update as far as my marrital quarrels, we are doing very good today. I think alot of words were not said, but understood. I came home tonight to a great big hug. I went to bed last night with a warm arm wrapped around me and woke up with a sleepy boy next to me, cuddled close. We get through everything, and im sure this is no more than a speedbump. however he does expect dinner tonight, so i am not sure how i will go about avoiding that meal. Maybe i will be able to simply tell him that as part of my ED i would prefer not to? High hopes. He will not understand because he doesnt see what i see when i look into the mirror. And that is just fine. Because i dont want the world seeing what i see, this hideous cow of a girl. I want them to be blinded by the carnival mirrors just like everyone else.

the warped mindset that i get from EDs is the most interesting thing to try and describe and portray to another human being. I have a newfound friend at my new job. We will call her E. Much like Q, she is interested in what im all about. They like to pick my brain about what it is to live believing everything is stick thin but me. im more than happy to oblige. Like Q said, can't let it define you. Its about time i start spreading my wings and letting people know i am pro ana. not hiding in a blog. Though i may never release my name over the interweb, i will start answering questions in my real life situations when asked, not avoiding. not lying. and not being ashamed.


I will keep everyone posted on a daily basis as much as i can. I appreciate everyones input and support. You're all amazing.

worst idea ever.

Last night my husband and i got into a fight and being the child I am I accidentally said something along the lines of "you make me feel ugly and I've been dealing with bulemia and fallen back into anorexia to try and make you think I'm pretty again and you're so horrid at paying attention that you don't even know when you're playing you're damned video games I'm in the other room throwing up to be beautiful for you!"

Now of course, that's absolutely not why I am ana or mia. It was spiteful. Horrible. But the shock on his face.... He really had no idea. Now either I am really sneaky, or he really doesn't pay attention.

Ouch.

All said and done we are fine. He hasn't said I have to stop. He hasn't said anything. He just cried for a moment. thinking it really was his fault. But afterwards it was nothing. As though it didn't happen. He never told me no more. Or I'm sorry. Or are you okay.

So again, its a silent killer, per say. But that's fine. I will be skinny again. Happy again. And thin. Thin. Thin.

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Acrylic anorexia.

Lately to avoid consumption ive been putting my hunger into painting. it started out as a cherry blossom tree and ended with dripping chocolate. ....delicious.

Ive also been baking.

cupcakes, mainly. Because i really enjoy cupcakes. 

not only taste, but they present themselves so beautifully. 

ive done really good since i found out about my bloodtest results. My husbands family came and visited this weekend, they eat alot. But i found better things to do (dishes, cleaning, baking, painting...etc.)

I havent weighed myself lately. I dont plan on it anytime soon, I still feel ...puffy fat. until i know that i can look down at that scale and see a beautiful 129 again im going to avoid it. so my stats weekly update weight will not be correct for a while. Im glad im doing so good, however today i did cheat and sneak one of those fluffy cupcakes into my mouth today. But it was worth it, so yummy. 

all in all, im happy right now.  all of the panic of the world seems to have subsided momentarily and left me at peace. Every dark aera of my life has ended for now, and new ones have yet to begin.

• I have a reliable job right now, steady pay, something im already familiar with, and everyone loves me (so far)
•  Period came, relieved alot of hormones.
• Finally settled into the new house, no new worries.
• Our furnace has been broken for a week and my fatherinlaw fixed it yesterday so the house is finally warm again
• I dont feel like every peice of art i execute is the ugliest piece of shit alive
• size 3 pants are starting to feel a little loose 

See? things are getting better, i suppose.

I know that this isnt a calorie-counting-die-to-be-thin post, but those are daily for me. Its nice for a change to almost feel comfortable in my own skin and just "let my hair down" for a while. 

You guys comments helped me too, knowing im not alone, and knowing im in your thoughts. it does wonders. thank you guys! :)

Define you.

Today was rough, to say the least. I know, i know, there she goes again updating twice a day... i need it.
Falling back into ana was so easy its scary. I had an Orange-cicle. and a milkyway (because i became shakey) and maybe 5 bugles chips...
"come on skinny love just last the year" Skinnylove by birdy.

Okay, deep breath. This is the hard one. So all day today ive wanted to do nothing but cry. The fact that my "cycle" decided to start made my emotions go haywire all over the place. Im in pain. SERIOUS PAIN. My cramping is usually bad but this is really bad. it hurts to move. muscles pinch and spasm when i take a piss. and now my emotions are all over the place. I feel like my body is trying to mourn the loss of a child even though i didnt even have one, im stuck in mourning and i dont know how to turn it off. I just want to fall apart. Keeping things together at work was hard...
but... (and i know its sad to say) i used to think i was an ugly cryer. And so i learned to have a straight face when i cried. And then i realized it ruins my fake eyelashes. So then i learned to hold the tears in. So now? I cry without any water. I mourn without any wrinkles. And that saved me today from falling apart infront of everyone.


Ive also felt like a horrible person because i am so selfish that i am excited to starve rather than have a kid, what is wrong with me? Ana. Mia. Everything-in-between-a....

A girl i work with today, lets call her Q... dont ask why. I just feel like shes a Q. Anyway, Q told me a life story on paper today, and so easily. Ive tried that, falling face first into every damaged good about me, but i get too scared of judgment. And she mentioned something along the lines of she doesnt let her ailments define her. Maybe shyness of being judged is okay. But i do let ana define me. I let every illness, ailment, defect... every damaged good define me.

i guess its time to move on. To grow up. Not to let ana or mia go, because they are honestly the only controlled substances i have anymore. But to let it not define me, dont let restrictive eating restrict who you are i guess. or something relatively sappy and inspirational.

Im going to go binge, and take great enjoyment when i purge, because that is my normal. that is just a part of me. not the whole me.

doctor calls.

Results?

Not pregnant

And for about 4 hours I panicked it was something worse.

And then?

My period.

Wow. Honestly? Life loves giving me the run around.

I haven't cried yet. I'm not sure how to feel. If its ok to feel relieved. Or if its ok to be upset I'm not. Or if It's ok that I'm so insanely relieved that i can get back to avoiding food like the plague. But maybe that's all it needed to kick start, food. Maybe it really did get that bad. Who knows. Point is. Ana is back in my life. and her company is all I want right now. All i need. I don't want to have a war in my head. I like it better when starving is the right thing to do. The okay thing to do. And no one can say anything because it doesn't affect anyone else. There's security in ana. It's my comfort blanket. That's all for now. I must gallivanter off to work

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S.Y.M.P.T.O.M.S. of E.L.L.I.E

ectopic pregnancy.
Anemia.
Ovarian Cancer.
Ovarian cyst.
Early menopause.
Eating disorder.
Stress.
Hypothyroidism.




...i still have heard nothing back. and ill be honest, im flat out annoyed. I must know if i am pregnant. I must know so that i can continue with my normal routine of obsessive calorie counting, weighing, purging, restricting. Eating disorders keep me sane. I am dying right now. Eating normal. The subtle extremely loud thought of all the ingestion being a pointless setback.




cravings? cant tell. Urinating? constantly. Sore chest? no. Mood swings? Off my rocker. Weight gain? Yes. Back pain? Yes. Tired? Constantly. Unable to focus? (also sign of shock) Yes. Vaginal Bleeding? NONE. Cramps? Yes. White lotion-consistency discharge? Yes. Itchy belly? A little. Dark areolas? Not really.. but i do not pay attention to my nipples alot so i dont know if its changed. Sharp pains around hips/ovaries? Yes.  there are so many more symptoms i could name but... i dont see the point




BACK TO ANA.


calorie intake today




1hotdog (plain) 242 cal
1banana 105 cal 
2 slices bacon 68.7 cal
2 tbsp greek yogurt plain  round up 50 cal 


=465.70 total cal intake today.




WOOO!!!
 (booo if im prego.)








ejbdfigbiohurfuhdhuhf


tried calling them,. left a message. no one called me back. my husband is starting to get irritated so he is taking me in tomorrow to harrass them for the results. ill keep everyone posted 

shoutout

oh, and just a shout out to  yummy secrets a pro-ana blog
Kim, she is what it means to be a pro ana. I admire her, and the way she never falters in her eating disorder. The way she knit-picks every calorie and tears apart analytical reviews of eating disorders. The way she stands up for every girl who dreams of being thin, but never boasts that she is an ana herself. If anyone wants to read a blog that will caress your ana, your mia, your not otherwise defined, read her blog. She is struggling, not with ED. But with life. Please leave kind words as she has changed my life, i owe it to her to change hers, and sometimes it helps knowing strangers on the internet need you. Her blogs location states washington, and im in idaho. A state away. Less than a 10 hour drive depending on where she might be located. Shes too close to let fall apart. We all know what the battle of ED can do. But we know more what the battle of life can damage. Let her know she is needed.

Hanging up to dry?

Today? Much like yesterday. Still no call from the doctor telling me about my blood test results- constant reminders poking at my anticipation: bruised vein, weight gain, hormones, lack of menstruation.

This is Wednesday of week 3 of being late. 4 weeks will start Monday. 4 weeks. thats a month. so a month late. 2 months without menstruation. WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!?!
:/ the worst part about not knowing is that i am constantly battling my ana.
She tells me "dont eat. dont eat. Your getting fat and they are going to say your not pregnant. so dont eat"
and my humanity tells me "What happens if you are pregnant and you dont eat and starve the thing!? eat just in case. just eat. its fine. eat."
and i, little ellie, sits in the corner holding her ears waiting for the voices to go away.
I want to starve. I do. But i cannot and will not force that on another life. I wish i just knew. So that i could choose eat, or starve. In a normal world its so simple. And if children werent so precious to me then ana would take over my life. Im still sticking to small meals. Restricting my intake. Just no fasting until a for sure answer.

Today?

1banana ~150 cal
1mango ~130 cal
1soft pretzel no salt 150 cal
and 1cup spaghetti 221 cal
and prego spaghetti sauce (1/2 cup is 80, i used less than that in my cup of spaghetti) ~20 cal


Total cal intake today? 671 cal

and with my short walk today i burned  around 250 cal

total cal intake after calories burned~ around 421 (which is pretty good if you ask me)

So hopefully thats enough to suffice a child if there is one.
IM CROSSING MY FINGERS FOR THAT CALL TOMORROW! i want to get back to my dieting, or at least find a way to keep ana in on pregnancy?  Ive been researching it, This is my favorite analysis thus far. Refer to :

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/nedaDir/files/documents/handouts/Pregnant.pdf


I believe i am "


Some women with disordered eating are able to more easily cope with weight gain during pregnancy because 
they see it as a sacrifice for an important cause"


now while i agree that if you are pregnant and dealing with an eating disorder you should most definitely advise your doctor, i dont (being pro-ana) really think its required you "recover" before pregnancy. While it is risk of undernourishment to an extreme, we deal with it anyway. Some ana's or mia's, including myself, find they might be able to eat a little bit, but only enough for a child, and no more than that, because we find it "worth it". While others may say no, my weight means too much.
Its a war. its always been a battle. But not knowing if i am or am not expecting, it has officially become a war.

I will keep you all updated to let you know if i hear anything but for right now i need to go shower.

...i dont even know what im hoping for anymore. baby or no baby.. i just want skinny.

heres your thinspo for the night. thigh gap. (im terrible today :( sorry for the trigger. i just want to die )

I promise ill have something long and interesting to say soon but with valentines day and the doctor I've been rather busy.

So, as an update I went to the doctor. Some psycho woman picked my brain for family medical history. Made me do another urinary assessment (of course that came out negative which is why I'm pursuing the bloodtest- duh.)

Anyway I still don't have the results. Still waiting on that call.

She also pushed on my stomach I'm positive It's potential I now have internal bleeding (thank you medical proffession)

Anywho. To say the least, she thinks something is wrong more than I'm pregnant. So that's ...well...Shit. to be honest. It's Shit. If it comes back negative and in a week I still don't menstrate I have to go back in and get a papsmear so they can see what's up with my decaying organs. I've been assuming the worst. No.big.deal.   ill keep you posted.

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Tomorrow is the day.

Officially into my third no menstruation week. :/ Panic, fear, anxiety. Its attacked me in every angle. But the other day ( as well as a little bit today ) i keep feeling flutters in my stomach. Flutters of movement. Wishful thinking? Muscle spasms? We will find out tomorrow. Saturday-today i have eaten like a normal person. My calorie intake was around 2000 per day im sure.But here's why... I have this feeling. This gut feeling that someone is in there. Some little darling girl. So tomorrow, 9.am, i have an appointment to get a blood test. The entire pregnancy of my mom for my brother and i both she had nothing but false negatives with urinary assessments. Because its genetic that we have low hcg levels i wanted to be safe and make sure. I have not had a period since December 24th. We are 2 months into the new year with nothing.I get the cramps but i dont get the blood, ( ive read it can be due to the uterus expanding) Its going to suck... havening to eat to keep another life alive, as i am no murderer. But i need some joy. Some sort of awesome to happen. Im going to feel like the biggest loser if i go and its negative (a. because im positive its pregnancy, b. because that would lead me to believe that i have an issue with my thyroid which is also a genetic issue that my family tends to have, my mother underwent radiation treatment for it when i was young.) ill probably cry either way, because im a loser.


i promise i will update whats happened the past 3 days tomorrow, for now? Ill try to rest.

what now?

This is short sweet and to the point.

I am an emotional wreck.

I had an anxiety attack at work

Came home

Tried to paint out my frustrations

Got so mad the easle wasn't sitting still I threw my brush through the canvas.

Tried taking a shower

Got soap in my eyes

Cried in shower curled in a ball like cheesy "girl interupted" sort of movie.

Researched pregnancy symptoms

Still freaking out about that.

It's been a long day. I'm tired. I'm forever late on my period. And I have no idea what ill do if i AM pregnant. :/ I need things to get better soon. Please.

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Pregnancy scares, little ellies, and not so little bellies.

So. Still late on that period of mine. Ive been in panic mode for about 2 weeks. Now im just flat out losing it. I snap at everyone. cry over everything. a girl in size 9 looked skinnier than me today...

hi, im fat. Size 3 fat....
Im actually the size in the middle to most people. but i feel like i look like the girl to the right. and want to be the girl to the left. Maybe its because my torso is so small? either way, its killing me.

I just want to be skinny. i feel sick, i pee every hour to an hour and a half (but that may be because in order to . avoid food consumption i stick to liquids i.e. water, coffee, energy drinks) Ive taken ...8 tests now? Its impossible to get a false negative 8 times right? right? right?! I hope so. I cannot take much more of this. I am also taking walks, every single night for 2-3 hours then come home and sit in a hot bath to sweat some more fat off. and some how i am at 132.2 empty weight?  either there is a poor starving child miraculously growing inside me, im bloated as fuck (by 4 lbs) or this water weight is taking some serious toll.
I have been researching free clinics to get tested by, if there is no menstration by saturday im going.

I want to be comfortable. Cozy. Skin and bones.


On another note, today my food intake was the worst ever. I became a pig for the day (again, with the stress eating)


Food/calories
Breakfast:
2 eggs / 140
2 slices bacon/ 80
1 banana / 105
2 tablespoons peanut butter / 190

Lunch :
2 eggrolls (spring) / 640

Dinner:
quesadilla (cheese) / 490

TOTAL: 1645

http://www.healthstatus.com/calculate/cbc says i burned 2756 cal today
but i will assume probably around the 645 area with my walk and sit ups-if not more?

Total affecting calorie intake then? : estimated 1000

Which on a 1200 max calorie intake i did okay.


I need to shoot for under 500cal a day. :/

Ellie and the Deep Dark secret.

Oh to be ill. To be manic. To be the poster child for disorders. To be sick, To be disturbed. To be everything you're not supposed to be. While I agree, eating disorders are serious business, they are also a simple, but- mind you, very heavy- teaching tools. I am one who embraces my disorder. My "illness" because i have chosen not to fight it. not to flee it. Not to leave it. Restrictive eating trains me to define wants and needs.. Bulimia trains me to "have my cake and eat it too" in a distorted view. But oh how i love how acheiving the goals feel. How i love when i see myself for that split second as a thin, and a beautiful. (silly side note, my OCD kicked in. Whenever i italisize something i cannot highlight the word as well as the spaces beside it as i fear the spaces will be italisized as well.) I feel like all the hate toward myself and the judgment and the torture all pays off for that brief moment of being a beautiful.

Straying away from the sentimental bullshit, It seems im being somewhat successful in the ana and mia aspect ( as gross and TMI as it is) because my digestive tract has forgotten the proccess to digest. My stool is hard, solid. There are peices of undigested food. (not that im a creep who analyzes her shit, but, im a creep whos analyzing her shit.) i consider this an element of success.
Funny thing, acutally. I always feel so self concious posting these private speculations online, bound forever in a digital ink. Feeling alone in my words, my ways. But Im not alone. And i know that, because of my followers. Because of my readers. Because of the blogs i read.
Now as far as analyzing poop, i havent read that yet. But im sure im not alone. And if i am, well, maybe my ED is worse than i thought...

And I believe theres a few more subjects tonight. Before i hid myself in a bubble bath to type this my husband asked if i would be applying for a job (better paying job) in here (as id advised him i would today) and i lied and said i would be watching netflix (because im a telly addict?) Its not like i can say, no sweetie. Im going to go blog about how i almost didnt eat today and how im disgusted with myself and thats why you cant join.
The worst part, i believe, about my eating disorder is the way it affects my marriage. Ive contemplated divorce so that i can starve and vomit whenever i want. So that weighing myself isnt every time i sneek off to pee. id have a carpet of scales, telling me how fat i am. And a wall of funhouse mirrors that only make me skinnier than i am. I wouldnt have to get food when grocery shopping (and wouldnt be tempted to eat it). Id be free to dissapear in my eating disorder forever. (but maybe its for the best that i cant, im already crazy enough.)

Last, but not least. My moods have been at an alltime low. Im not sure if its the lack of nutrients and food consumption, the anxiety, the lack of menstration 0.0 (still pissed about that.) or whats going on. I have been in FITS OF RAGE Lately. Today, i broke down in tears because i couldnt find the envelopes. The envelopes! I had a mental breakdown because of envelopes...
I hope the sunbeams come through the clouds soon. Im about to lose it.

feast or fast

As I write this I am gourging myself with mongolian grill. Hello binge purge session.

I've been so unhappy. Lately, everything looks bigger. I haven't been eating. And what I have has been cleansed from me moments after why is there still weight. I need skinny. I miss skinny. The next thing ill het is stretch marks.  I'm

Fat.

Now I know, we all say that. We all see skinny as fat, blah blah blah. I see what society sees as fat. Cellulite. Lard. Disgusting. I miss being beautiful. I miss being pretty. I miss being THIN.

I will throw up until I get there. Until my throat bleeds.

It's grousome. It's sick. Disturbing. But its the honest to god truth.

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treat yourself to skinny.

I find when I focus myself on not eating my appetite gets out of hand and I want to eat the entire world but when i ignore it It's so much easier to skip meals.

Today we had friends over and had a fire in the fire pit out back, roasting marshmallows and hotdogs.

I feel unclean .

I know its part of the mental illness that comes with eating disorders but i feel like everything in my stomach is the equivalent to what you would find at a sanitation land fill. I just want to scrub it clean with soap and bleach. But now, the most I can do is invite mia in.

I feel bigger than normal today

Bloated. Water weighed down. I'm irritable. I have cramps. But still no menstration. I'm panicing still.

Maybe the sudden diet change of one Meal a day to nothing has fucked up my organs? Maybe its just stress. Maybe its a blood clot. Maybe my ovarian wall is too thick to let anything out. Maybe I am pregnant and the tests are all lying.

There are way too many variables. I just need it to be over. So I can stop the anxiety.

And last but not least, the sweet tooth I've had lately is unbearable.

I've been obsessively sneaking in treats to my diet. I feel ashamed. Like a child stealing from the cookie jar. I've tried sticking to hard candies. But i want the good stuff. The cupcakes slathered in frosting. The cookies engourged with chocolate chips. The donuts blanketed in glaze.... I want it all.

I wish it was acceptable to chew it and spit it out. To save my throat from the acidic damage its been undergoing lately. Mia, she is so harsh sometimes.

Oh, speaking of Mia. Today i woke up with my stomach feeling like id done 1000 crunches the day before. I could feel my muscles tightening. But the only stomach exercise I did yesterday was inviting mia for some quality time. I know its not the same as muscle burning work outs. But that doesn't mean it didn't feel nice. 

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mia must be MIA

Today my husband made dinner. 

I hate when he does that. anyone else would flaunt how loving their spouse was... mine...means i have to eat. And my new work schedule (i leave to work before him) leaves alot less room for purging. I dont eat at all during work. but when he gets home and dinner is made for me, i dont have the option of purging. and i have all day tomorrow off with him. I miss mia.  Bulimia is a common advocate for my eating disorders, and i am going to have to wait until tomorrow for her to visit.

Today, however, until work, i stuck to strictly liquids. caffeine free cream soda (1/2 can) 75 cal give or take

Hot chocolate (one cup) 56.5 cal give or take (half a pack of chocolate, watered down to shit)

Water (lost count around cup 5)

Butternut squash soup (1/2 cup) 97 cal

coffee (black, 1 cup) 5 cal

Herbal tea (a million cups) 0 cal. and no caffeine. 

TOTAL CAL 234 (rounded up) and  t hen of course the food

1/4 rice a roni chicken around 53 cal

so 287 cal. roughly.

thats pretty good right? Could have done better. But for it all being liquid it should digest pretty fast. and im going on a walk later to burn them all off. and then some.

I had to pee alot, to say the least. but then i get home... and dinner is there. and i feel like my successful no food diet has failed... again...

Damn you rice-a-roni.

well, tomorrow is a new day. And im going out of town to some winter wonderland festival thats supposed to have some very adorable ice carvings, i can avoid food if i forget my wallet :)

Panic.

Through the years that ana has been a part of my life, my ovaries have never been in danger. Ive never been so bad that i didnt menstruate, but i have officially gone one month and 2 weeks without any menstruation and i am freaking out. I want kids. SO bad. and its difficult to balance the eating disorder and healthy reproductive organs. I am not pregnant. let us clear that right now. I have taken about 7? (give or take) tests so far (this is where my anxiety falls into play) and i show no signs of pregnancy. Ive made sure its from first morning urination, blah blah blah. and still, nothing. I am not particularly regular per say, but i have never gone an entire calendar month without menstruation. And to make it worse i have this stinging pain in my right abdomen around where ovaries are located.
There is no choosing between children and ana. ana always wins. sometimes that kills me inside, but its not even a mind set of i want to be skinny at that point. its a mindset of i must be skinny.

Now, what ive said had got me thinking why am i pro-ana? Pro ana is being diagnosed with said eating disorder and choosing to decline recovery. But for me i feel like i havent chosen it. I feel like its been forced on me, like my brain and i are no more in sync than apples and oranges. Normally i embrace my eating disorder. I enjoy every second of it... but lately all i feel is panic and desperation.

And what if the tests are wrong? and im starving another life? what if im forcing ana on them? not that they would even survive my restrictive eating...

anxiety sets in and i feel like ive lost all color...Dear ana, id like to live in harmony. You can take me all you want, but please do not take my child.

eat. purge. starve. purge.

I have had nothing but tea today and my bodies reflex is to purge everything out. I keep getting bile in my throat. Or what i assume to be bile anyhow.

Yesterday I failed at no eating. Today I have it all planned out. I have all my liquids in bringing to work so that I can avoid temptation. These include tea, hot coco, cream soda (my vice) and water. I am also bringing half a cup of a green smoothie (spinach, blueberries, bananas, apples) in case of emergency only. Oh. And coconut water, I love coconut water. So today should be a good day! Today is one of those I can feel my stomach shrinking days. I'm a little hungry. But nothing too serious. I'll update later tonight and let everyone know how it went

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hello ellie.

I had sugar for my lunch today. Not in the sense of sugar grains but in the sense that I had a cinnamon roll and i feel... Disgusting.

However, apparently I'm still beautiful as everyone at my new job finds me fancy and wants to converse with me. Which is nice. But i no longer have the support of veira ( my friend from my previous employement who also deals with EDs) on a daily basis. It sucks. I feel alone again. Alien. I just want someone to talk to about how I threw up my lunch yesterday and to support me in not eating. To not eat with me.... It's hard. When your alone. You feel much more disgusting. But that's why I have my readers. I know as far as fellow blogging followers I have next to none. But a lot of my readers don't have blogs. They just read. Which is great, id love to have more followers. But in due time.

Didn't I say I wasn't eating today?

I'm so good at this failing thing. :( 

Tomorrow. No food.

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