Last night my husband and i got into a fight and being the child I am I accidentally said something along the lines of "you make me feel ugly and I've been dealing with bulemia and fallen back into anorexia to try and make you think I'm pretty again and you're so horrid at paying attention that you don't even know when you're playing you're damned video games I'm in the other room throwing up to be beautiful for you!"
Now of course, that's absolutely not why I am ana or mia. It was spiteful. Horrible. But the shock on his face.... He really had no idea. Now either I am really sneaky, or he really doesn't pay attention.
Ouch.
All said and done we are fine. He hasn't said I have to stop. He hasn't said anything. He just cried for a moment. thinking it really was his fault. But afterwards it was nothing. As though it didn't happen. He never told me no more. Or I'm sorry. Or are you okay.
So again, its a silent killer, per say. But that's fine. I will be skinny again. Happy again. And thin. Thin. Thin.
Speaking as a man, if I was in his position and you said that to me, I wouldn't just get over it. The fact that he cried about it says a lot. If I had to guess I'd say the reason he doesn't say anything is that he's probably paralyzed by fear, and now you've given him even more of a reason to close off. Now every time he does notice you throwing up (believe me, he notices even if he's in denial), or losing weight, or not feeling good about yourself he's going to blame himself, which may lead him to his own self destructive behavior, unless you spend a lot of time, I'm talking months, reinforcing that you being ana or mia isn't his fault.
ReplyDeletei very much understand the consequences of my inability to think before i speak. it was the worst thing for me to say... but on the other hand, there was no notice to the fact that i have this issue again. The first time he discovered i was anorexic he wanted nothing more than to make sure i was alright. I feel like i dont have his support this time. its hard, to balance feeling unwanted and understanding that i brutally tortured him with that comment. We have been together 6 years, and he knows i say stupid hurtful and mean things all the time when we fight because i havent found an appropriate way to channel my anger... but when that came out of my mouth all i wanted was him to see that i needed him. and that i felt left out in the cold. and it turned into it being about him. and thats now how i intended it... rewinding time is not easy. but in the most awful way possible, im glad i still get to indulge in ana and mia... because i am a horrible person. and that doesnt go away over night.
ReplyDeleteEver just say to him "I need you?" I know women don't seem to think so, but it works a lot better than venting and then expecting him to know what to do.
ReplyDeleteSounds to me like you really do blame him a little bit, almost as if he paid more attention to you you would do less ana acting out.
Either way, I wish you guys the best of luck. Please know that I'm not judging you in any way, appreciate your openness, and was only trying to offer what may be his point of view.
all the time. im the best communicator in the world. but he ignores me.
ReplyDeleteoh, absolutely. this blog is to not hide. so i wont. and i accept constructive critisizm all the time, so you're fine!