I find when I focus myself on not eating my appetite gets out of hand and I want to eat the entire world but when i ignore it It's so much easier to skip meals.
Today we had friends over and had a fire in the fire pit out back, roasting marshmallows and hotdogs.
I feel unclean .
I know its part of the mental illness that comes with eating disorders but i feel like everything in my stomach is the equivalent to what you would find at a sanitation land fill. I just want to scrub it clean with soap and bleach. But now, the most I can do is invite mia in.
I feel bigger than normal today
Bloated. Water weighed down. I'm irritable. I have cramps. But still no menstration. I'm panicing still.
Maybe the sudden diet change of one Meal a day to nothing has fucked up my organs? Maybe its just stress. Maybe its a blood clot. Maybe my ovarian wall is too thick to let anything out. Maybe I am pregnant and the tests are all lying.
There are way too many variables. I just need it to be over. So I can stop the anxiety.
And last but not least, the sweet tooth I've had lately is unbearable.
I've been obsessively sneaking in treats to my diet. I feel ashamed. Like a child stealing from the cookie jar. I've tried sticking to hard candies. But i want the good stuff. The cupcakes slathered in frosting. The cookies engourged with chocolate chips. The donuts blanketed in glaze.... I want it all.
I wish it was acceptable to chew it and spit it out. To save my throat from the acidic damage its been undergoing lately. Mia, she is so harsh sometimes.
Oh, speaking of Mia. Today i woke up with my stomach feeling like id done 1000 crunches the day before. I could feel my muscles tightening. But the only stomach exercise I did yesterday was inviting mia for some quality time. I know its not the same as muscle burning work outs. But that doesn't mean it didn't feel nice.
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