Define you.

Today was rough, to say the least. I know, i know, there she goes again updating twice a day... i need it.
Falling back into ana was so easy its scary. I had an Orange-cicle. and a milkyway (because i became shakey) and maybe 5 bugles chips...
"come on skinny love just last the year" Skinnylove by birdy.

Okay, deep breath. This is the hard one. So all day today ive wanted to do nothing but cry. The fact that my "cycle" decided to start made my emotions go haywire all over the place. Im in pain. SERIOUS PAIN. My cramping is usually bad but this is really bad. it hurts to move. muscles pinch and spasm when i take a piss. and now my emotions are all over the place. I feel like my body is trying to mourn the loss of a child even though i didnt even have one, im stuck in mourning and i dont know how to turn it off. I just want to fall apart. Keeping things together at work was hard...
but... (and i know its sad to say) i used to think i was an ugly cryer. And so i learned to have a straight face when i cried. And then i realized it ruins my fake eyelashes. So then i learned to hold the tears in. So now? I cry without any water. I mourn without any wrinkles. And that saved me today from falling apart infront of everyone.


Ive also felt like a horrible person because i am so selfish that i am excited to starve rather than have a kid, what is wrong with me? Ana. Mia. Everything-in-between-a....

A girl i work with today, lets call her Q... dont ask why. I just feel like shes a Q. Anyway, Q told me a life story on paper today, and so easily. Ive tried that, falling face first into every damaged good about me, but i get too scared of judgment. And she mentioned something along the lines of she doesnt let her ailments define her. Maybe shyness of being judged is okay. But i do let ana define me. I let every illness, ailment, defect... every damaged good define me.

i guess its time to move on. To grow up. Not to let ana or mia go, because they are honestly the only controlled substances i have anymore. But to let it not define me, dont let restrictive eating restrict who you are i guess. or something relatively sappy and inspirational.

Im going to go binge, and take great enjoyment when i purge, because that is my normal. that is just a part of me. not the whole me.