Ellie and the Deep Dark secret.

Oh to be ill. To be manic. To be the poster child for disorders. To be sick, To be disturbed. To be everything you're not supposed to be. While I agree, eating disorders are serious business, they are also a simple, but- mind you, very heavy- teaching tools. I am one who embraces my disorder. My "illness" because i have chosen not to fight it. not to flee it. Not to leave it. Restrictive eating trains me to define wants and needs.. Bulimia trains me to "have my cake and eat it too" in a distorted view. But oh how i love how acheiving the goals feel. How i love when i see myself for that split second as a thin, and a beautiful. (silly side note, my OCD kicked in. Whenever i italisize something i cannot highlight the word as well as the spaces beside it as i fear the spaces will be italisized as well.) I feel like all the hate toward myself and the judgment and the torture all pays off for that brief moment of being a beautiful.

Straying away from the sentimental bullshit, It seems im being somewhat successful in the ana and mia aspect ( as gross and TMI as it is) because my digestive tract has forgotten the proccess to digest. My stool is hard, solid. There are peices of undigested food. (not that im a creep who analyzes her shit, but, im a creep whos analyzing her shit.) i consider this an element of success.
Funny thing, acutally. I always feel so self concious posting these private speculations online, bound forever in a digital ink. Feeling alone in my words, my ways. But Im not alone. And i know that, because of my followers. Because of my readers. Because of the blogs i read.
Now as far as analyzing poop, i havent read that yet. But im sure im not alone. And if i am, well, maybe my ED is worse than i thought...

And I believe theres a few more subjects tonight. Before i hid myself in a bubble bath to type this my husband asked if i would be applying for a job (better paying job) in here (as id advised him i would today) and i lied and said i would be watching netflix (because im a telly addict?) Its not like i can say, no sweetie. Im going to go blog about how i almost didnt eat today and how im disgusted with myself and thats why you cant join.
The worst part, i believe, about my eating disorder is the way it affects my marriage. Ive contemplated divorce so that i can starve and vomit whenever i want. So that weighing myself isnt every time i sneek off to pee. id have a carpet of scales, telling me how fat i am. And a wall of funhouse mirrors that only make me skinnier than i am. I wouldnt have to get food when grocery shopping (and wouldnt be tempted to eat it). Id be free to dissapear in my eating disorder forever. (but maybe its for the best that i cant, im already crazy enough.)

Last, but not least. My moods have been at an alltime low. Im not sure if its the lack of nutrients and food consumption, the anxiety, the lack of menstration 0.0 (still pissed about that.) or whats going on. I have been in FITS OF RAGE Lately. Today, i broke down in tears because i couldnt find the envelopes. The envelopes! I had a mental breakdown because of envelopes...
I hope the sunbeams come through the clouds soon. Im about to lose it.