Panic.

Through the years that ana has been a part of my life, my ovaries have never been in danger. Ive never been so bad that i didnt menstruate, but i have officially gone one month and 2 weeks without any menstruation and i am freaking out. I want kids. SO bad. and its difficult to balance the eating disorder and healthy reproductive organs. I am not pregnant. let us clear that right now. I have taken about 7? (give or take) tests so far (this is where my anxiety falls into play) and i show no signs of pregnancy. Ive made sure its from first morning urination, blah blah blah. and still, nothing. I am not particularly regular per say, but i have never gone an entire calendar month without menstruation. And to make it worse i have this stinging pain in my right abdomen around where ovaries are located.
There is no choosing between children and ana. ana always wins. sometimes that kills me inside, but its not even a mind set of i want to be skinny at that point. its a mindset of i must be skinny.

Now, what ive said had got me thinking why am i pro-ana? Pro ana is being diagnosed with said eating disorder and choosing to decline recovery. But for me i feel like i havent chosen it. I feel like its been forced on me, like my brain and i are no more in sync than apples and oranges. Normally i embrace my eating disorder. I enjoy every second of it... but lately all i feel is panic and desperation.

And what if the tests are wrong? and im starving another life? what if im forcing ana on them? not that they would even survive my restrictive eating...

anxiety sets in and i feel like ive lost all color...Dear ana, id like to live in harmony. You can take me all you want, but please do not take my child.