calorie count
1sausage link - 138cal
1cupcake, limited frosting (must guess on this, average cupcake boxmix 90 cal per plain cupcake) ~130 cal with 1/4 tablespoon frosting?
3 buttered popcorn ricecake- 150 cal
3 cups hotcoco (It snowed, i justify this.) 165 (just powder mix, no added sugar,milk,etc...)
1 cup herbal tea 0caffine -0cal
Total cal intake - 583
short walk today burned around 200 cal
roughly 383 cal intake today after exercise.
im trying really hard to kick the mia habbit and using it as a fallback and strictly restrict intake.
Hopefully that will inspire me enough to finish my canvas piece of artistic portrayal of ana.
I highly doubt that will be an any-time-soon sort of piece, but i will do my best. I believe im going to start posting my art on here. Alot of it has to do with my EDs. It creates what it wants to, my hands just help execute it.
Also, i will not be weighing myself until march 1st on a thursday (as i stated before id much rather ensure that my weight ha gone down before i stress myself out anymore)
and for an update as far as my marrital quarrels, we are doing very good today. I think alot of words were not said, but understood. I came home tonight to a great big hug. I went to bed last night with a warm arm wrapped around me and woke up with a sleepy boy next to me, cuddled close. We get through everything, and im sure this is no more than a speedbump. however he does expect dinner tonight, so i am not sure how i will go about avoiding that meal. Maybe i will be able to simply tell him that as part of my ED i would prefer not to? High hopes. He will not understand because he doesnt see what i see when i look into the mirror. And that is just fine. Because i dont want the world seeing what i see, this hideous cow of a girl. I want them to be blinded by the carnival mirrors just like everyone else.
the warped mindset that i get from EDs is the most interesting thing to try and describe and portray to another human being. I have a newfound friend at my new job. We will call her E. Much like Q, she is interested in what im all about. They like to pick my brain about what it is to live believing everything is stick thin but me. im more than happy to oblige. Like Q said, can't let it define you. Its about time i start spreading my wings and letting people know i am pro ana. not hiding in a blog. Though i may never release my name over the interweb, i will start answering questions in my real life situations when asked, not avoiding. not lying. and not being ashamed.
I will keep everyone posted on a daily basis as much as i can. I appreciate everyones input and support. You're all amazing.
Things will be alright, I know how you feel tho. My husband knows about my ED (somewhat, not everything) and even tho its not about him and how he sees me, I know he sometimes feels it is..Its hard .. stay strong, I wish I had the courage to not weigh myself, the longest I've gone is 2 days...
ReplyDeleteyour doing great and as a fellow artist I cant wait to see more of your work..i gotta find time to paint again.
Hi Ellie,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your thoughtful, concerned comments. I only wish that I had woken up yesterday with some crazy 'plan' that I soon forgot about, rather than having struggled for the last 5/6/7 years (how to even work out when/how it started 'properly'- first purge after a normal meal? first purge in a restaurant? first b/p? first b/p weekend? first experimentation. First time I was unhappy with what I saw and actually acted upon that unhappines. Your blog is not triggering for me neither are the majority of things I read/pictures I see etc. For me it is catching a glimpse of myself in a shop window/the doors of the tube/an unexpected mirror that sends me into a nose dive. I find slight comfort in knowing that I am not stuck on my own thinking my freakish thoughts and that there are others who have conversations with their own brains and battle with choices and struggles. My struggle is eating so much so fast almost without knowing what I'm doing which has to be gotten rid of and not being able to stop the cycle, turning into my body automatically getting rid of any intakes. I never want to go back to that and therefore my way of control is to try to be in control and KNOW what I'm doing. Having a plan. If I have food rules that I can't break/ have penalties then it steers me away from my danger foods. I am not TRYING to be disordered in any way, conversley trying to bring some order to my thoughts and my actions to prevent that. Equally this is not new. Just the blog is new:)
I really appreciate your interest and aslo warnings-more of your type in the world please!!
Be strong on this distractingly named Pancake Day,
x
i absolutely apologize if i offended you in any way, i just am very tender about that. of course, we all are, and i was slightly inconsiderate with my wordings. my apologies. i appreciate you as a new follower and i look forward to learning more about you through your blog as well!
ReplyDeleteand lila, im so glad i have a fellow artist on here! its exciting :)