It's late and I'm tired so we will make this short and sweet. I had my first day at the new job today. I noticed my stomach is shrinking already. But the weight isn't comming off. And my bulimia is becoming a muscle memory. My stomach wants to purge. It's too full, even when not full. So i am going to resort back to tea drinking. No eating at work. No eating at home. Because of the seperate schedules, lying is going to be more available than ever. I have 6 weeks of training to starve myself and be able to handle the headaches, anxiety, and fatigue without it affecting my job performance. Starting tonight, no food until Wednesday. Again, making goals. Setting myself up for failure. Maybe this time I will be strong. Ana, you are in charge. Eat me whole.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Mouthfulls of Ellie.
Things are finally starting to calm down. But the past few days (as ive mentioned before about the stress eating) ive consumed more than im willing to share. I just spent the past 10 minutes purging my french toast. i keep telling myself well, maybe today. and ill just fast tomorrow. well maybe one cupcake. ill just throw it up. well maybe a slice of pizza... it wont add that much weight. and the next thing you know i jump on the scale and my 129 has disappeared forever.
Success never lasts...
My throat is starting to burn, partially from all the vomiting. The rest is just because in order to gag myself a have to plunge the bottom of my batman toothbrush down my throat and smack the walls of it. its sort of a wake up call to my gag reflex.
I cant wait until im to the point where i dont have to worry about having a small muffin top and can expose my hip bones as i please.
As ive stated previously ive had an issue with purging- where i cant seem to get everything out- and i had a weak moment and looked into some "tipsandtricks" from the wannarexic and wannabelimics. and as i was reading i realized, these people are children. not in a sense of age, but in a sense of maturity... its insulting. one post i read was "I like, ate a cream puff one day, and was like oh shit im gonna get fat. and so i went and threw up cause i saw it on tv once. and like, it totally made me thinner! but like, i dont know how often to do it ? can someone help give the newbie some tips? "
ED is not a fashion statement. and everyone wears it like a brand new coach purse or something. This blog is the ONLY time i ever openly discuss my eating disorder, and its under a sudo name. This i an issue ive dealt with for over 10 years and it just heats me when people treat it like an adopted fashion statement.
Do they even know what its like to look in a mirror being skin and bones and see even the smallest hint of a tummy pouch and want to tear open their stomach to remove their organs so they can be thinner? Do they have any idea what its like to want thigh gap so bad that you consider medical procedures but the only thing stopping you is the roof over your heads mortgage? Hate is a strong strong word... and i know that for my fellow anas that weve all hated ourselves. every day.
The scale lied to me yesterday. It said i lost 6 pounds. I knew it was lying and after adjusting it to a flatter floor area it was crystal clear that i hadnt. but what if i had? I still wouldnt have believed it. Because i still see this whale in the mirror.
I dont want to have to hide anymore.. i want my skeletons out of the closet and on to body. I want to be thin. Thin so that i dont have to be bulimic for the rest of my life. or anorexic. because when our bodies arent used to digesting food they have a harder time doing so later on-whether it be treatment that was sought, or just situations that rose- if we ever stop our bodies dont stay thin. Ive experienced this first hand and i never want to go back to this. Bulimia is killing my throat and its only been dabbled in for a few months. Anorexia is so hard when food tastes so good. but hating myself after isnt worth it. I want to be skinny again.
I had a friend maggie come over last night. size 6. 6. when i look at her i see me. But how is that me when im a size 3? i dont see a difference. girls in size 8, or 9.... they all look like me. except their torsos are thinner. and their thighs arent as fat. and logically, i know that i MUST be thinner than they are to be a size 3. but this eating disorder alters my logic. and tells me im not thin enough, and i need to be thinner. and i believe her. i need to be thinner. because skinny is never skinny enough.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Acids.
Now how is this affecting my eating disorder? Two words. stress eating. i keep making these goals to not eat, or to purge if i eat. but then i end up eating because im depressed and anxious. and then im so shaky and anxious that i cant purge everything i ate, only a little bit. and then i get paranoid im going to gain weight over it. I ate peanut butter today. PEANUT BUTTER! the fattiest spread alive.
No, I dont want to recover. I dont want to learn how to be satisfied with a normal weight. I dont want to justify eating normal. I dont want a size 3 to be considered small.
I want to be thin. With size 0 jeans. and save money on groceries because im only buying for my husband. and to have a tight ass. and no jiggles. and no cellulite. and bones. I want my hip bones to elegently protrude from my skin. I want collar bones to be so defined that the dip could have cereal eaten out of it. not that i would eat cereal from it. I want a jaw line that could cut diamonds.
Husband is home from work.... goodnight readers
The beginning
Today is looking up. I got another job. I havent gained any weight from that grilled cheese. Or my binge purge session last night
(Egg cheese Bacon omlett, more bacon, two pepsi's, ketchup, 4 pieces of toast, spinach spread, cheese slice, hot wing ruffled chips, barbecue chips, hot dog w/ bun ketchup mustard )
Also. I'm so awake today i might actually get something done. (Painting, crocheting,finish unpacking) speaking if crochet I also finished 2 slouchy beanies yesterday. I really need to put up my Etsy.com account.
Today i think I will still with tea. I haven't eaten yet. And if I do it will only be a green smoothie. :) time for a bath.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
1 pound 2 pound 3 pound 4
So the weight is FINALLY starting to shred off. At a full weight I would be around 133-135. This morning at a full I'm at 129. I've been trying to drop below 130 for weeks! I'm so excited about this accomplishment. Ive been doing nothing but tea. And when I'm hungry I only eat green smoothies (except for the grilled cheese I had yesterday. I was depressed. I accept that. )
Today is just getting started to I will update more later on :)
hello, hello, hello.
Today at 8:35 am my life had a boost of confidence. Less than 8 hours after applying for a new job I have an interview. And im a shoe in. So that's great! Less pay, but still enough for bills.
Which is good. Great actually. And to know I'm so qualified is a relief. However its another desk job. Those things really kill when they put on the weight.
And today I will be pursuing legal action against my previous company. Right now life is good. :)
Monday, January 23, 2012
The end,
Today i was terminated from my job. I know that everyone says its wrongfully, but it truely was in my scenareo. I will not go in to deep details as its irrelivant... My point is i feel so insanely worthless at this moment and so confused. I feel like its either pointless to ever eat again because id rather be dead right now (PLEASE everyone keep in mind i just bought my very first house on january 15th and my mortgage being paid relied on...oh... you know, A PAYCHECK. >:[ ) but, if i dont eat again it takes effort to starve. alot of effort. i have to force myself to not eat, convince myself why its an awesome idea. Or maybe i should just eat. Im a stress eater, and im stressed. i want to eat the entire world right now, im so angry.
I took a break, and i painted. May all your weeds be wildflowers, right? so long story short after some vigorous painting and some long discussions discretely with some management positions at my previous employer it has come out that i was wrongfully terminated in such a manner than i have a very easily won case with an attorney who will agree to a contingency (meaning i do not pay them unless the case is won, in which manner the party at fault usually pays) so i will be speaking to the human resources department tomorrow morning as well as the department of labor and a few attorneys to ensure that i have a solid case. I will also be sewing them for personal damages (stress levels, anxiety, etc...)
In the mean time i totally fell apart and ate a grilled cheese, slathered in melty cheese goodness, slathered bread slices in butter, and drowned in calories. it really warded off the stress.. comfort food... is...so....good...
I havent checked my weight all day, but ive already had so many dissapointments that being FAT will not work well with this day, it might just cause a mental breakdown so that i fall onto the carpet writhing in pain and foaming out the mouth, who knows.
So, to all my fellow ana's, may all your weeds be wildflowers. Especially Kim.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
early morning
I was in such a hurry this morning I didn't have time to make my day 2 green smoothie (which im actually insanely proud of, as that means Ive skipped breakfast)
I love the weekends because I work at 10 and for some reason it makes it easier to not eat all day. Also, my pants are starting to feel loose. Not sure if its for real or wishful thinking. But there is always hope.
Today I did awesome. Until about 930 when a pro ana friend, we will call her veira, (to protect her name as I'm not sure she's okay with me publicly expressing her ED) Invited me to casa Mexico for Mexican.
It was nice to see her outside of work and just talk. So the calories deemed worth it. I however when i got home did ensure that the stomache was empty. That's right. More purging. It's become natural to my body. Any time i eat. Any time there is weight in my stomach it feels like an anchor and my stomach is the strongest man in the world trying to push it out. But its fine. Skinny is as skinny does.
Success means success.
All that jazz....
I'm tired. 12:08 pm...I've had a long day. It's time to rest. Goodnight.
I LIED.
Im terrified of letting ana take over. but im also terrified that it wont.
Im at least making progress now, today at a "full" (only that green smoothie which was a cup and a half) i was 130 even. (for some reason lately ive been around 131/132 which is OBNOXIOUS) i cannot wait til im back down to 100lbs... id go back to 98 if i wouldnt be institutionalized for it, but my husbands made very clear that weight is a no-no and i will experience much more than a slap on the wrist if i get down that far. I havent told him my intentions lately. he knows im trying to lose weight, he sees how
Friday, January 20, 2012
entitled, or undeserving?
I've recently come to find that my husband is seeking employment in some oil fields in Colorado. It's great money, sure. But he would also require I quit my day job. Not only would this make more time for painting, crochet, and any other silly art projects I pick up to replenish my Etsy.com account and get the small end of an art business going (which I've practically been begging for) but it would also give me the finances to seek out that double major for graphic design and fine art in NCAD in Washington. The downside? Less monitoring. The less focus or ability to focus on my eating habits means more room for skipping meals. More room for purging. More room for the eating disorder to swoop in.
Which means more weight loss, Woooo. But also means I'm going to be alone the majority of the day. And generally when I'm alone I pick myself apart piece by piece until there's nothing left. I've done my fair share of being financially stable. I pull 88 hours a paycheck which is every 2 weeks. I do over time when I can (as a customer care rep for a large phone company my job is emotionally tolling) -pause on that thought-
I went to work and had something important to say but totally spaced it.
ON A HIGHER NOTE! I registered as i stated before for www.greensmoothiechallenge.org and am trying out their first recipe right now as a replacement for dinner so the husband thinks I'm eating, and let me tell you... I never knew spinach in a smoothie would be so awesome. These will be my meal replacements. The only issue is that the recipe calls for a big intake of ingredients, I.e. 3 bananas. I need to find a way to cut these down so they are a ana friendly serving size (which in a perfect world would be nothing)
I will update you guys on the recipes tomorrow just in case anyone wants to try them and not have to wait for one recipe a day!
Also,.I've been religiously reading this yummy secrets blog by a girl named Kim. I feel like I have so many questions I want to ask her to validate that my "illness" of anorexia is real. I love reading what she has to say. But I shouldn't have to have someone else tell me I'm anorexic to know I'm anorexic. I know I am in the manner I intentionally partake in starvation. In restricted diets. I go as far as adopting other EDs I.e. bulemia (which has now become a common friend of mine). The feeling of full is a feeling of shame. Id do anything to die thin. And that's enough to know this is real. This isn't something I've made up in my head. Or is it? Maybe when i get results of organ failure again... I used to be skinny before depression had its way with me. Before the love of my husband tried to blow out my ana candle. But who says it wasn't just thin?
Who knows.... It's not a disease. Or is it. It's not a way of life or everyone would do it. It's something special. Like an imaginary friend or guardian angel even. Ana was pushed into the background for a while, but as we all know she doesn't play wallflower very well. She is is control. She deserves control. She embraces me and tells me i can be beautiful even when i don't believe it. <3...
Sorry. Light ramble. I will be back tomorrow.
green smoothie challange.
So to satisfy the assumption that I'm a "normal" eater for my husbands sake any consumption of food I plan on will now be the green smoothie challange. This way it explains weight loss, but still looks like I'm consuming a normal diet. I talked a while back about how i was curious if blending food into liquidated forms helped dropped weight. I've done a lot of research on it and yes it does work itself out of your body faster, but barely. Also, the calories are still there. And its still food. But less food. And also means that meats no longer affects my diet, yay less fat intake!
Also, Ive come to the unprofessional conclusion I have OCD. I pick. Constantly. I pick as though I just smoked meth out of a pipe. Any goose bump, zit, ingrown hair, swollen follicle, bug bite. I pick until i feel whatever was in my skin is out. At work i have to pull up my computer systems in certain orders or I get frazzled and nervous. If my hair isn't in the right place or i have too much makeup or not enough I feel like i have to do it over until its perfect. I've missed work for my version of a bad hair day. It throws my whole day off if I don't do my morning routine on Friday of greys anatomy episodes from Thursday and herb tea.... And eating.. if i eat too much. What is too much. Why can't I go without eating. why is eating even a craving. How do I curb the food appeal. I've eaten more than one snack and i can only have so much food in my stomache so i have to go throw it up..... I have developed the capability to recognize my disorders. Eating. Mental.
I'm stressed. And confused.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
I will not die until I'm thin.
There's something wrong inside of me. Something I emotionally cannot resolve. I also have reason to believe that my "dabbeling" in balemia is no longer just a dabble... With each heave of snacks I check the scale. With each check I go down a notch in weight. With each notch the more I want to purge.
Now, I don't want it to be mistaken that i one day decided to purge to be skinny. That's not how it happened. I had actually cried so much that i spilled my guts into a toilet bowl. And when i was finished, it felt SO GOOD. And I had no intentions of stopping. And so I continued.
And saying that, today I made a night of it. I set the mood with some soft music, the volume low so i could still hear the pitters and Patters of rain on my skylight in my bathroom (probably my favorite part of my new house) and grabbed my toothbrush and gently slid it down my throat to encourage my stomache to empty itself of anything. And then i checked the scale as I normally do and it dropped. And so i continued. And continued. And continued. And kept going even after nothing was left. And found that my throat wanted to stop. But my head, my head wanted to keep going. It wanted to go until I hit 100lbs....
It made me nervous. But excited. Finally. Some progress. But not near enough progress.
I'm going to go nap... The vomiting took everything out of me. Everything.
Tea time.
Tea has become my one and only vice. Not only does it satisfy my skin, but it keeps off the weight. I have decided that food isn't worth it anymore. The taste isn't worth the weight. Those little treats I give myself every so often that are compact full of sugar such as coffee from Starbucks, hard candies, etc, will now be cut out. Its nearing the end of January and I'm still not even close to my goal weight. I'm thinking March will be my month.
It's not that I can't eat. I can. I want to. Food tastes so good. But I've had a break down every day since this weight gain. I hate myself. There is no sex in my marriage anymore because I'm so ashamed of how I look. It's gotten the best of me.
So. Today will be a work out day. And avoid food day. Any food. Even little foods. The husband will be at work, so it should be an easy task.
Intentional starvation.... That's the only way I know that there is a disease.
Monday, January 16, 2012
when ellie eats.
I've noticed lately when I do a binge and purge session that even after I'm empty that my throat still feels full. Not my stomach. But my throat. It worries me. But what worries me most is how much I indulge in this anymore. Since I moved into my house three days ago I find myself vomiting any food I consume and then some for good measure. Before, I purged maybe once, twice a day. But now? Now I feel that because my bathroom is so secluded and no one will know, that I now have the freedom to eat whatever I want. This is dangerous ground I am treading on. And my feet are barely calloused enough to sheild the stones.
H2only
So to finally achieve some sort of weight loss today I will have a piece of toast. And then, water. Just water. And the only reason for the toast is because I will be cleaning my apartment for the move out inspection and don't want to pass out in an ucky gucky mess.
For now. Finding nemo. No thoughts of food. Of weight. Just finding nemo.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
In too deep.
I've said before, thin is never thin enough. But where is the line for enough and too much. I read a blog today - yummy secrets - and this girl Kim was discussing how her hair is thinning and her teeth are weakening (rotting sounds to vulgar of a word in this scenario)
I was there once. My skin would just start peeling off as if I was doing meth. My eyes got very glazed. My skin lost its pigment-goodbye rosey cheeks. I got hangnails that would tear down to my knuckles. It. Was. Aweful.
And yet id give anything to be there again. I don't know how this got so carried away. And i resent any and everyone who told me i was unhealthy. They might as well have shoved a fist of crisco down my throat.
Fat. It wasn't as scary as it is now. What happens when i can't get control? I'm terrified of getting fatter. Staying as this as I am. Getting too thin. I'm terrified of every aspect. I want to wither. Like a dying rose. Until I'm so withered its beautiful. Fragile. Thought about.
Today has been a hard one. I baked this cake. This beautiful cake. And made this wonderful meatloaf. And ate a slice of cake. And the meatloaf; untouched.
Even one slice of cake makes me sick.
It makes me want to try everything I can to remove it from myself. But anymore with purging, I feel not everything comes out. I feel like the second a parcel of food goes into mg mouth an anchor of weight hits my stomach and doesn't leave.
And i read all these horror stories..of death by purge. And torn stomache lining. And acid erroded asophigus. I'm positive I spelled that wrong.
I just.... I am frightened. Frightened to be fat. Frightened to die from skinny.
But is rather die skinny in the long run.
I am going to post a picture of myself. As much as is prefer this be anon, I'm positive that no one will find me. And anyone who reads this will just assume the name to this face is ellie. Ellie gold.
(Not to be mistaken with ellie goulding, who is a wonder.)
When you look at this. If you see pretty. And your a fellow ana. You'll understand that i see a fat face. If you have never experienced a thinful eating disorder, I hope this helps you understand how dramatic an eating disorder can change a persons preception.
I used to think there was nothing a warm soak couldn't cure. But this feeling of disgust Wont seem to leave me. I am beautiful. Somewhere, deep under this trans fat comforter that we call skin. I ate a slice of cake today. Cake that I made in a hurried mess just so i could feel as though things were a little more homey in this house. Cake that i want to throw up. And now, I can! Moving from that one bedroom apartment into this 3 bedroom 2 bath miracle has done me wonders. You can't hear what anyone's saying in the other room. You can't hear purging, or the addictions of an anorexic. The fountain of a belimic. I can finally indulge in the skinny I need.
I haven't made much progress. It's been about a week of one meal a day and I've lost nothing.
It's time to cut down even more I guess.
I never want to get this weight again. Ever.
I will forever embrace this eating disorder. Anything to be thin.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
way back when it was all holidays and dresses.
I remember when weight never mattered.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
el-lie
It's hard. I know he has started to monitor my eating habits. I had to force down a granola bar today... My head hurts all the time lately. And i think its just because I'm so depressed about my weight that I can't gain the courage to do anything. I don't want to be in public any more than i have to. I just want to stay home and hide. To sink into the abyss of my black bed comforter and disappear until I'm the weight I want to be. I wish sometimes life worked like butterflies. Or thumbalina I guess. To hide for a while and emerge as the most beautiful thing eyes have ever seen. The worst part about this eating disorder is I'm also a stress eater. Please don't ask me how that works. I'm terrified of gaining weight. But eat when I'm too stressed about it. Then purge. Maybe I'm belimich now too. I never thought I could say this about myself. I used to be so confident. Anorexia wasn't real to me. Just being thin. I was so busy with my family life that i couldn't begin to focus on the matter that i wasn't eating and malnourished. I was beautiful.
Was.... I wish I could say is...
I'm really struggling with my self perception today.. maybe tomorrow will be easier. I won't have to choke down calories I don't need.
Monday, January 9, 2012
alive and ill.
It's getting to the point where I want to open my stomache, pull out my organs and free them of any particle of food. I feel like the weight isn't dropping and the
Control isn't there. I am sitting on my bathroom floor deciding if I should purge. My husband is in the living room. He would hear it. He's noticed my eating habits slowly falling back into their normal place. Or lack of habits, I suppose. Even orange juice pulp seems to make my stomache turn at the thought. I wonder if humans can live on nothing but liquid. They have to be able to survive. What about all those people with trekias (spelling?) ? They cannot utilize their throat to swallow and inject their solids in liquid forms.
Sometimes I wish I'd never got married. It wouldn't be considered such an illness that required recovery if there were only pro-ana people around me... But two anas beige together would be damaging to a relationship. I require so much attention and positive reinforcement. Which is ridiculous. My husbands on the short end of this stick. I get mad at him if he doesn't tell me I'm beautiful. But i never believe him when he does. I have a serious self esteem issue that seems only to come out on paper, all of my colleagues tell me I walk with confident air. If only they knew.
Sometimes i question if I'm even ana. I consider lyposuction. Desperate measures of not eating, I can do that. Desperate measures of surgery? I want to do that. But i don't know if they deny you surgery when your at a certain weight. And I fear an addiction to it. I've researched it. But I don't yet have the confidence or finances to walk into an office with a serious intent to go through with it.
I'm going to take some benadryl and fall asleep. Apparently now I'm becomming an avid drug user.
flab
Feeling flabby today. I am not the most satisfied. I don't know how i feel so bloated when I purged everything last night. There shouldn't be anything in my stomache to make me feel this bloating.
I'm also very nervous because i just took 10 days off work to move into my new house and i feel like I eat when I'm not working. It's going to be a big challange to get to my goal weight by the end of February. Dropping 30 lbs in 2 months. No one ever said it was easy.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Ellie-mic.
i feel dirty when im full. unclean. like my insides are full of insulation and about to burst with fibroglass pieces just shattering everywhere.
but there is a husband in the living room, and close friend. So here i sit in solitude, wanting to get whatever is inside of me out. i just ate maybe 5 minutes ago, i guess i should let it sit there, but my problem is that i had a potato bowl from kfc (i wasnt hungry but my husband noticed i hadnt eaten anything today as it was planned to be a fasting day) and i found there are 750 calories in it and over 2k mg of sodium. 2 THOUSAND MG!!! thats an entire dose of salt in one dish! good thing i had nothing but liquids today.
i found an alternative to solid foods that they sell at walmart today. its juice buddys? something like that. its basically a fruit smoothie but in a tiny pouch for kids with mixed fruit in the consistency of apple sauce.
so i decided maybe i should make that a diet. buy 7 a week so one a week its like 88 cents per thing, and i could make that my food intake. its enough to keep the acid from eroding my stomach lining. right?
but then when i researched it i found some interesting information. Did you know that saliva is the first step your body takes to digesting food? by consuming a blended form of food, i.e. a smoothie your body doesnt recognize it as quickly as if saliva had taken its part and takes longer to digest (not sure if this is good or bad considering id prefer it to last a while to prevent hunger and bodily damage as we discussed the eroding of a stomach lining before) it also doesnt provide all the nutrients when blended compared to when whole as most nutrient reasearches have claimed.
Chewing also is a muscle exercise for your face thats supposed to prevent jowls but i only see those on people who are overly indulgent in eating exercises so i dont think i have to worry about that. basically what i read told me the best way to digest it is to swish it around in my mouth, alot (considering a normal chewing session per bite should be 50-100 chews) to get the digestion proccess started with my saliva. but no one chews that much anyway. maybe thats why everyone is so morbidly obese. who knows
Tonight, purge.. Tomorrow, fast. Considering the ABC diet in my own fashion. id rather not calorie count but rather eat nothing something something nothing nothing nothing something nothing etc to trick my body the way that ABC does...
i will get back down to size 1 jeans if it kills me,
Oh, and last but not least today, a funny thing happened to me. My husband told me today that he thoguht he had found my "secret blog" .. paranoid, of course, i said "oh yeah?" he proceeded to tell me about some blog of a girl who waits hand and foot on her husband. im glad it was a joke. I dont know what id do if he knew how i am about weight. if he knew i throw up half the meals we eat. Im going to get a before picture soon just so that i can show everyone how i looked. and how i can look. and a before, before picture. from when i weighed 98 lbs to compare if i look the same ....
...i needed this blog. i feel it helps me recognize my goal and take an extra step into getting there. i enjoy it. goodnight.