I've recently come to find that my husband is seeking employment in some oil fields in Colorado. It's great money, sure. But he would also require I quit my day job. Not only would this make more time for painting, crochet, and any other silly art projects I pick up to replenish my Etsy.com account and get the small end of an art business going (which I've practically been begging for) but it would also give me the finances to seek out that double major for graphic design and fine art in NCAD in Washington. The downside? Less monitoring. The less focus or ability to focus on my eating habits means more room for skipping meals. More room for purging. More room for the eating disorder to swoop in.
Which means more weight loss, Woooo. But also means I'm going to be alone the majority of the day. And generally when I'm alone I pick myself apart piece by piece until there's nothing left. I've done my fair share of being financially stable. I pull 88 hours a paycheck which is every 2 weeks. I do over time when I can (as a customer care rep for a large phone company my job is emotionally tolling) -pause on that thought-
I went to work and had something important to say but totally spaced it.
ON A HIGHER NOTE! I registered as i stated before for www.greensmoothiechallenge.org and am trying out their first recipe right now as a replacement for dinner so the husband thinks I'm eating, and let me tell you... I never knew spinach in a smoothie would be so awesome. These will be my meal replacements. The only issue is that the recipe calls for a big intake of ingredients, I.e. 3 bananas. I need to find a way to cut these down so they are a ana friendly serving size (which in a perfect world would be nothing)
I will update you guys on the recipes tomorrow just in case anyone wants to try them and not have to wait for one recipe a day!
Also,.I've been religiously reading this yummy secrets blog by a girl named Kim. I feel like I have so many questions I want to ask her to validate that my "illness" of anorexia is real. I love reading what she has to say. But I shouldn't have to have someone else tell me I'm anorexic to know I'm anorexic. I know I am in the manner I intentionally partake in starvation. In restricted diets. I go as far as adopting other EDs I.e. bulemia (which has now become a common friend of mine). The feeling of full is a feeling of shame. Id do anything to die thin. And that's enough to know this is real. This isn't something I've made up in my head. Or is it? Maybe when i get results of organ failure again... I used to be skinny before depression had its way with me. Before the love of my husband tried to blow out my ana candle. But who says it wasn't just thin?
Who knows.... It's not a disease. Or is it. It's not a way of life or everyone would do it. It's something special. Like an imaginary friend or guardian angel even. Ana was pushed into the background for a while, but as we all know she doesn't play wallflower very well. She is is control. She deserves control. She embraces me and tells me i can be beautiful even when i don't believe it. <3...
Sorry. Light ramble. I will be back tomorrow.
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