It's getting to the point where I want to open my stomache, pull out my organs and free them of any particle of food. I feel like the weight isn't dropping and the
Control isn't there. I am sitting on my bathroom floor deciding if I should purge. My husband is in the living room. He would hear it. He's noticed my eating habits slowly falling back into their normal place. Or lack of habits, I suppose. Even orange juice pulp seems to make my stomache turn at the thought. I wonder if humans can live on nothing but liquid. They have to be able to survive. What about all those people with trekias (spelling?) ? They cannot utilize their throat to swallow and inject their solids in liquid forms.
Sometimes I wish I'd never got married. It wouldn't be considered such an illness that required recovery if there were only pro-ana people around me... But two anas beige together would be damaging to a relationship. I require so much attention and positive reinforcement. Which is ridiculous. My husbands on the short end of this stick. I get mad at him if he doesn't tell me I'm beautiful. But i never believe him when he does. I have a serious self esteem issue that seems only to come out on paper, all of my colleagues tell me I walk with confident air. If only they knew.
Sometimes i question if I'm even ana. I consider lyposuction. Desperate measures of not eating, I can do that. Desperate measures of surgery? I want to do that. But i don't know if they deny you surgery when your at a certain weight. And I fear an addiction to it. I've researched it. But I don't yet have the confidence or finances to walk into an office with a serious intent to go through with it.
I'm going to take some benadryl and fall asleep. Apparently now I'm becomming an avid drug user.
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