I've said before, thin is never thin enough. But where is the line for enough and too much. I read a blog today - yummy secrets - and this girl Kim was discussing how her hair is thinning and her teeth are weakening (rotting sounds to vulgar of a word in this scenario)
I was there once. My skin would just start peeling off as if I was doing meth. My eyes got very glazed. My skin lost its pigment-goodbye rosey cheeks. I got hangnails that would tear down to my knuckles. It. Was. Aweful.
And yet id give anything to be there again. I don't know how this got so carried away. And i resent any and everyone who told me i was unhealthy. They might as well have shoved a fist of crisco down my throat.
Fat. It wasn't as scary as it is now. What happens when i can't get control? I'm terrified of getting fatter. Staying as this as I am. Getting too thin. I'm terrified of every aspect. I want to wither. Like a dying rose. Until I'm so withered its beautiful. Fragile. Thought about.
Today has been a hard one. I baked this cake. This beautiful cake. And made this wonderful meatloaf. And ate a slice of cake. And the meatloaf; untouched.
Even one slice of cake makes me sick.
It makes me want to try everything I can to remove it from myself. But anymore with purging, I feel not everything comes out. I feel like the second a parcel of food goes into mg mouth an anchor of weight hits my stomach and doesn't leave.
And i read all these horror stories..of death by purge. And torn stomache lining. And acid erroded asophigus. I'm positive I spelled that wrong.
I just.... I am frightened. Frightened to be fat. Frightened to die from skinny.
But is rather die skinny in the long run.
I am going to post a picture of myself. As much as is prefer this be anon, I'm positive that no one will find me. And anyone who reads this will just assume the name to this face is ellie. Ellie gold.
(Not to be mistaken with ellie goulding, who is a wonder.)
When you look at this. If you see pretty. And your a fellow ana. You'll understand that i see a fat face. If you have never experienced a thinful eating disorder, I hope this helps you understand how dramatic an eating disorder can change a persons preception.
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