...well... lets start this way. You can refer to me as Ellie. i am married. i am 5'3. i am 131 lbs as of today. But lets take a look back for a second so you can understand. Four years i "sufferred" from anorexia. (notice this reference later) I weighed 98 lbs. It started in junior high... my parents got divorced, self mutilation (cutting, piercing) started shortly after. I wont get into the dirty details, but my mother left me stranded, and my dad emotionally clocked out. It was me. Tiny little ellie in the biggest of worlds. Junior high... i started skateboarding to have an excuse as to why i needed to borrow my dads razor blades- to remove the grip tape- and shortly after i had a slip up in sleeve length choice, i was seeing a psychiatrist. and stopped eating lunch at school. and stopped eating breakfast. and stopped eating dinner. and stopped eating snacks. and stopped eating. size 00. and proud. but never skinny enough...
i now work a desk job, i have been there for a year now. ive never worked a desk job, and now i know why! i hate sitting all day. it makes my back hurt, and i feel fat. i am fat. im lardy. im lazy. ive never jiggled. ever. and now? I JIGGLE! on my stomache, my ASS, my thighs, AND NONE OF IT EVER GOES TO MY TITS. go figure. why did i gain weight? how did i go from 98 to 130? I got married. and i loved my husband so much that when he asked me to eat, for him, to get "healthy", i did. and its the biggest mistake of my life. Any time i eat, even the smallest piece of bread, im immediately exaughsted. tired. sleepy. i have no energy anymore. i have no self success inside of me. i went from a 00 to a size 3!
i think the big companion in my weight gain was my husband refused to allow me to own a scale... he thinks if i check my weight religiously and decide im not were id like that i will be compulsed to binge and purge or that i will fast. forever. i would, to be honest. and in all honesty hes right. because i went and bought a scale two days ago.. and...i cried. i bawled. i miss being thin. thin is the only perfection about me. no one can ever get enough THIN in their life.
sometimes i think with thin, there is no hiding. You are skin and bones, no folds, shadows, nooks, or crannies. just a skeleton of who you are and who you will always be. and something about that is so freeing.
i miss being energetic. 98lbs and i was the energizer bunny! i walked, everywhere. i didnt need food for energy, i ran off of 5 hours of sleep a week and i LAUGHED. i laughed every day and life was the best life could be.
and now ive lost the color to everything. i started to wear baggy. i started to hide, to cover, to cloak and mask in any tip or trick i could and i hate hiding. and i hate hating myself. i hate being that girl in those novels and those google images who writes "i hate my thighs, im fat, im ugly, im not good enough for MYSELF" ...well... im not. im not good enough for myself. not unless im thin, even if skinny is never skinny enough.
and "healthy"... society defines healthy as a dotted line weight, no cookie cutter inbetween. they define healthy as certain meals and certain exercise. I define healthy as self satisfied. acheivment in self love. and this is not to be confused with cocky. or conceited. i mean true self adoration where you know you, you dont hide, and you dont need to because you know the world will know you too. you know the world would kill to be you.
i. need. that.
and as far as "suffering" from anorexia... thats some bullshit if ive ever heard it. i never sufferred. i thrived off it.
if this triggers anyone, im sorry.
husbands coming. update later...
:/
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