Ellie-mic.

I need to purge. well, i guess no one needs to purge but i want to. I feel ashamed when i eat this much,
i feel dirty when im full. unclean. like my insides are full of insulation and about to burst with fibroglass  pieces just shattering everywhere.
but there is a husband in the living room, and close friend. So here i sit in solitude, wanting to get whatever is inside of me out. i just ate maybe 5 minutes ago, i guess i should let it sit there, but my problem is that i had a potato bowl from kfc (i wasnt hungry but my husband noticed i hadnt eaten anything today as it was planned to be a fasting day) and i found there are 750 calories in it and over 2k mg of sodium. 2 THOUSAND MG!!! thats an entire dose of salt in one dish! good thing i had nothing but liquids today.

i found an alternative to solid foods that they sell at walmart today. its juice buddys? something like that. its basically a fruit smoothie but in a tiny pouch for kids with  mixed fruit in the consistency of apple sauce.
so i decided maybe i should make that a diet. buy 7 a week so one a week its like 88 cents per thing, and i could make that my food intake. its enough to keep the acid from eroding my stomach lining. right?
but then when i researched it i found some interesting information. Did you know that saliva is the first step your body takes to digesting food? by consuming a blended form of food, i.e. a smoothie your body doesnt recognize it as quickly as if saliva had taken its part and takes longer to digest (not sure if this is good or bad considering id prefer it to last a while to prevent hunger and bodily damage as we discussed the eroding of a stomach lining before) it also doesnt provide all the nutrients when blended compared to when whole as most nutrient reasearches have claimed.
Chewing also is a muscle exercise for your face thats supposed to prevent jowls but i only see those on people who are overly indulgent in eating exercises so i dont think i have to worry about that. basically what i read told me the best way to digest it is to swish it around in my mouth, alot (considering a normal chewing session per bite should be 50-100 chews) to get the digestion proccess started with my saliva. but no one chews that much anyway. maybe thats why everyone is so morbidly obese. who knows


Tonight, purge.. Tomorrow, fast. Considering the ABC diet in my own fashion. id rather not calorie count but rather eat nothing something something nothing nothing nothing something nothing etc to trick my body the way that ABC does...

i will get back down to size 1 jeans if it kills me,


Oh, and last but not least today, a funny thing happened to me. My husband told me today that he thoguht he had found my "secret blog" .. paranoid, of course, i said "oh yeah?" he proceeded to tell me about some blog of a girl who waits hand and foot on her husband. im glad it was a joke. I dont know what id do if he knew how i am about weight. if he knew i throw up half the meals we eat. Im going to get a before picture soon just so that i   can show everyone how i looked. and how i can look. and a before, before picture. from when i weighed 98 lbs to compare if i look the same ....


...i needed this blog. i feel it helps me recognize my goal and take an extra step into getting there. i enjoy it. goodnight.