Mouthfulls of Ellie.

I havent updated in a few days and i sincerely apologize for that. I have had a tough few days.
Things are finally starting to calm down. But the past few days (as ive mentioned before about the stress eating) ive consumed more than im willing to share. I just spent the past 10 minutes purging my french toast. i keep telling myself well, maybe today. and ill just fast tomorrow. well maybe one cupcake. ill just throw it up. well maybe a slice of pizza... it wont add that much weight. and the next thing you know i jump on the scale and my 129 has disappeared forever.
Success never lasts...

My throat is starting to burn, partially from all the vomiting. The rest is just because in order to gag myself a have to plunge the bottom of my batman toothbrush down my throat and smack the walls of it. its sort of a wake up call to my gag reflex.

I cant wait until im to the point where i dont have to worry about having a small muffin top and can expose my hip bones as i please.

As  ive stated previously ive had an issue with purging- where i cant seem to get everything out- and i had a weak moment and looked into some "tipsandtricks" from the wannarexic and wannabelimics. and as i was reading i realized, these people are children. not in a sense of age, but in a sense of maturity... its insulting. one post i read was "I like, ate a cream puff one day, and was like oh shit im gonna get fat. and so i went and threw up cause i saw it on tv once. and like, it totally made me thinner! but like, i dont know how often to do it ? can someone help give the newbie some tips? "
ED is not a fashion statement. and everyone wears it like a brand new coach purse or something. This blog is the ONLY time i ever openly discuss my eating disorder, and its under a sudo name. This i an issue ive dealt with for over 10 years and it just heats me when people treat it like an adopted fashion statement.

Do they even know what its like to look in a mirror being skin and bones and see even the smallest hint of a tummy pouch and want to tear open their stomach to remove their organs so they can be thinner? Do they have any idea what  its like to want thigh gap so bad that you consider medical procedures but the only thing stopping you is the roof over your heads mortgage? Hate is a strong strong word... and i know that for my fellow anas that weve all hated ourselves. every day.

The scale lied to me yesterday. It said i lost 6 pounds. I knew it was lying and after adjusting it to a flatter floor area it was crystal clear that i hadnt. but what if i had? I still wouldnt have believed it. Because i still see this whale in the mirror.

I dont want to have to hide anymore.. i want my skeletons out of the closet and on to body. I want to be thin. Thin so that i dont have to be bulimic for the rest of my life. or anorexic. because when our bodies arent used to digesting food they have a harder time doing so later on-whether it be treatment that was sought, or just  situations that rose- if we ever stop our bodies dont stay thin. Ive experienced this first hand and i never want to go back to this. Bulimia is killing my throat and its only been dabbled in for a few months. Anorexia is so hard when food tastes so good. but hating myself after isnt worth it. I want to be skinny again.

I had a friend maggie come over last night. size 6. 6. when i look at her i see me. But how is that me when im a size 3? i dont see a difference. girls in size 8, or 9.... they all look like me. except their torsos are thinner. and their thighs arent as fat. and logically, i know that i MUST be thinner than they are to be a size 3. but this eating disorder alters my logic. and tells me im not thin enough, and i need to be thinner. and i believe her. i need to be thinner. because skinny is never skinny enough.