Acids.

The purging "schedule" my body has become comfortable with (every. time. i. eat) is starting to show its signs of wear and tear, I hate to display something so personally...gross... but its part of my blog. Putting me out there, for EVERYONE. I am constantly vomiting in my mouth lately, and its very acidic and burns my throat. and it happens probably every hour, maybe more. Its obnoxious. scary. mostly obnoxious. Also, after losing my job ( despite that i got another one today ) my anxiety is becoming a very close friend, squeezing my hand and reasurring me that nothing will be okay. (there we go again with acidic mouth vomit.) the company i was employed by has gone on some sort of crazy purging spree- OH! did you see that? i used purge in something other than voluntary vomiting!  Anyway, they are basically firing everyone. And because my husband is also employed there hes just as vaunerable to losing his job as i was. I just closed on my house on the 15th of this month. a thousand and one new bills are showing up and now im making 4 dollars less an hour than i was before. It's so frustrating. Im in panic mode. I have no idea how we are supposed to keep payments on our bills if my husband is also discharged as an employee.
Now how is this affecting my eating disorder? Two words. stress eating. i keep making these goals to not eat, or to purge if i eat. but then i end up eating because im depressed and anxious. and then im so shaky and anxious that i cant purge everything i ate, only a little bit. and then i get paranoid im going to gain weight over it. I ate peanut butter today. PEANUT BUTTER! the fattiest spread alive.

No, I dont want to recover. I dont want to learn how to be satisfied with a normal weight. I dont want to justify eating normal. I dont want a size 3 to be considered small.
I want to be thin. With size 0 jeans. and save money on groceries because im only buying for my husband. and to have a tight ass. and no jiggles. and no cellulite. and bones. I want my hip bones to elegently protrude from my skin. I want collar bones to be so defined that the dip could have cereal eaten out of it. not that i would eat cereal from it. I want a jaw line that could cut diamonds.

Husband is home from work.... goodnight readers