el-lie

It's hard. I know he has started to monitor my eating habits. I had to force down a granola bar today... My head hurts all the time lately. And i think its just because I'm so depressed about my weight that I can't gain the courage to do anything. I don't want to be in public any more than i have to. I just want to stay home and hide. To sink into the abyss of my black bed comforter and disappear until I'm the weight I want to be. I wish sometimes life worked like butterflies. Or thumbalina I guess. To hide for a while and emerge as the most beautiful thing eyes have ever seen. The worst part about this eating disorder is I'm also a stress eater. Please don't ask me how that works. I'm terrified of gaining weight. But eat when I'm too stressed about it. Then purge. Maybe I'm belimich now too. I never thought I could say this about myself. I used to be so confident. Anorexia wasn't real to me. Just being thin. I was so busy with my family life that i couldn't begin to focus on the matter that i wasn't eating and malnourished. I was beautiful. 

Was.... I wish I could say is...

I'm really struggling with my self perception today.. maybe tomorrow will be easier. I won't have to choke down calories I don't need.

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