There's something wrong inside of me. Something I emotionally cannot resolve. I also have reason to believe that my "dabbeling" in balemia is no longer just a dabble... With each heave of snacks I check the scale. With each check I go down a notch in weight. With each notch the more I want to purge.
Now, I don't want it to be mistaken that i one day decided to purge to be skinny. That's not how it happened. I had actually cried so much that i spilled my guts into a toilet bowl. And when i was finished, it felt SO GOOD. And I had no intentions of stopping. And so I continued.
And saying that, today I made a night of it. I set the mood with some soft music, the volume low so i could still hear the pitters and Patters of rain on my skylight in my bathroom (probably my favorite part of my new house) and grabbed my toothbrush and gently slid it down my throat to encourage my stomache to empty itself of anything. And then i checked the scale as I normally do and it dropped. And so i continued. And continued. And continued. And kept going even after nothing was left. And found that my throat wanted to stop. But my head, my head wanted to keep going. It wanted to go until I hit 100lbs....
It made me nervous. But excited. Finally. Some progress. But not near enough progress.
I'm going to go nap... The vomiting took everything out of me. Everything.
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