Progress

Alright. He's been served. the divorce is officially filed, but not completed. I have to put my house up for sale. but for now things are steiady. simple. im in love. ive never been treated this good in my life.
ive paid the 811.00 i owed in IRS state taxes. I'm closing in on a promotion opportunity at work.
So then, why is this still so shakey? Why do i still feel so unstable and broken?

Positivity.
Progress.

i will be okay. i will move on. i will be fine. right?

Keep calm and stay alive.

 And so, it begins. I have opted for divorce. Finally. 20 years old, losing a husband? Or gaining a future? I'm not sure... To put it lightly, my husband is a complete waste of skin. He sucks up all the fresh air and vomits dust and fumes... he has ruined my life. I have found someone else. Someone who supports me in life long dreams, someone who loves me, and understands that I have an eating disorder. He understands, and he accepts it. I have hit 113lbs. still going. lately i've been dealing with a handful of  "real world" problems... if i am not so depressed i am starving myself, i am so depressed i'm gorging myself. Its been a very hard few months. The seperation started in June, he moved out. I have been having a hard time ever since...
But i think it's best now to continue my blog momentarily, I feel suicidal lately, maybe being heard will ease that? I don't know...My life is full of dark right now. Skinny is all ive got left... forgive typos.. ive been bawling for days. So, this may be a short montage of my life, but now those who i've left will understand i am alive. I am going to be okay. And im still getting to SKINNY.

I will not follow blogs back, i will not read other blogs. All comments will be moderated. at this time in my life, i ask that you have enough respect to keep your mouth shut if there is nothing nice to say because with how emotionally disturbed ive been lately, you may be the reason that last string holding me together gets snipped.


So, LET THE GAMES BEGIN

Goodbye.

So i have done alot of thinking. ive decided this blog is going to be removed, and or not updated for a long time. it triggers me. and sends me into a mental spiral of terrible things. ive eaten depression alive at this point and its affecting my job performance, my performance as an artist, and my will to even get up in the morning. being a blog, reading other blogs, it makes me think... " i must not be skinny enough". i liked life much better when i was in my own little anorexic world, not able to compare myself to other anas. if i do at one time decide to repost i will disable all comments. and write to write. not to see who im writing to.

this has made me hate myself more than id like to admit,
the point in this blog was to feel empowered in myself as an ana, to make me feel strong and independant in my disorder and not open myself to judgement. the point in this blog has officially become mute. its made me weak. and my self confidence at an all time low. I appreciate everyones thoughts and concerns but i will be moving forward in my pro-ana ways. in my own ways.

farewell. i wish you all the best.

Dead or alive

So I apologize for the lack of updates. There was a recent death by cancer in my family and it has taken some time to cope... It's still pretty rocky but I went back to work yesterday after a week and I was doing pretty good. I'll update tomorrow when i have time. I love you all dear readers.

Ana..tomic bomb

I feel like I've fallen into a black hole where I can see nothing and feel nothing. Everyone is dying around me. It's thrown off every aspect of "happy" I had going.

I feel weak lately. And still no bones. I need bones . It's been months now of utter starvation (or nearing ) and the weightloss has been minimal.
I know its the desk job. But by the time I have a moment to actually engage in physical activity I am too depressed or weak to take action on it.

I have been hating body more and more lately. I feel full at empty. And feeling full makes me sick. But i have no energy if I eat nothing. So ill sneak in half a rice cake every other day... I just don't understand why my body refuses to fall back into anas arms comfortably as my mind has already done so..

I kind of wish today that there was no ellie. That ellie was never. And wouldn't have to wish she was something else. If that makes sense.....

Emergency

Blogger decided the publish failed. Originally published 3/10/2012

So along with being deathly ill myself my husband had a family emergency back in our home town so I have been here the past few days.

As far as weight is concerned I haven't shed a pound and I'm starting to become very frustrated with it. I haven't eaten but the lack of nutrients has murdered my metabolism and I am unable to exercise from all these joint pains.

Hopefully I will hit my goal weight for this month and be able.to update my current weight soon!

I'm sorry I haven't been updating a lot but I am working on trying to remember.
Todays calorie intake? One full throttle energy drink. That is all.

I will keep you all posted when I get back home Sunday or Monday.

bytheway

I painted this today

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eating starvation, by the handfuls.

So. As we all anticipated the results of the 1sts weigh in I had some unfortunate events occure.  I.e. my fence fell into my neighbors yard. So now that its been temporarily fixed, here are the results of the 1sts weigh in.

127.

Not as good as I'd hoped. But shed a few pounds.

Now here is the shitty thing, my husband has been getting into you-have-to-eat arguments with me. And so weigh in today 128.... I'm really dissatisfied with the results of this. But last night we had a conversation (now I know none of you probably care anything about this, but-)

So my husband and I have some issues intimately... Well... I do. The whole I think I'm fat and feel 100% disgusting kinda kills the mood a lot so sex life is pretty rare because of my.. complex.

So i asked him out of curiosity if he had to choose between me eating "normal" or sex which he would choose. And he said sex. So, that is my goahead. No more pressuring me to eat. No more arguments. I'm estatic.

Other than that, I'm sick. I've come down with a cold of some sort. Scratchy throat. Fatigued. Cough. Stuffy nose. And awkwardly, swollen lips?

So I'm going to have some fruit. A lot of vitamins. Tea. Orange juice..etc.

I will update again as soon as possible. Life has been so busy somehow.

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no eating for ellie.

Quick update before work. It feels amazing to be empty lately. Yesterday was another restriction success. Im getting very satisfied with how simple this is. I feel like the ana inside me is back. I so easily slid into the same pattern as when 98 lbs was my normal weight. I am obsessed. Weight controls every aspect of my day. What clothes I wear. What my mood is. Today is a day full of sunshine and starvation. And man, it feels good.

I may just never eat again. Ever. This feeling of clean. It's empowering. I never noticed. But its all i ever want. It is my entire meaning. :) and i feel so awesome knowing that.

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fast.

I had a full day of a successful fast that I'

m going to try to keep going tomorrow as well

. Food just doesn'

t look the same today

. It makes me sick to even think of putting anything in my mouth that'

s not a drink

. I've fed off chai

tea and water all day

.

I wish everyday was like this

. An empty day

. A clean day

. Hopefully it will help me get close to my goal. I don't plan on weighing in until the 1st

. It'

s been hard.but its going to feel so good to look at that scale and see thin

.

I really don'

t have much to say lately

... Other than my calorie counts

. Which I know get so insanely boring

.

I also know many of my followers follow a specific blog who'

s recent post stated that the difference between wanarexic and anorexic is being severely underweight

. While I believe that'

s true, I believe it to a point

. I may not be severely underweight right now, but at 6 years of 98 lbs and less I

was medically defined as anorexic

. I'v

e always had the same mind set

. But tried being "healthy" per my husbands request when we got married

. I don't believe it changes .I'm doing what is called "relapsing" like many do with drugs, alchohol, addictions. That doesn't mean I'

m not anorexic

. I guess my point was I was a little offended by

their post

. Some people

relapse on eating disorders because we feel dirty and unclean without them

. Or empty

. And somehow in out twisted minds an empty stomach fills the empty head

. Bulimia is not an official diagnos

is for me

. It won'

t ever be, as I refuse to speak to medical proffession about my EDs again

. But with my ana I was sent through years of therapy and "family support" ( they honestly triggerred more than they helped)

I gained some weight, which is expected when your pursuing recovery

. By my stats I am defined as a "healthy weight"

Or the required weigh

t. But I will not be there for long

. In a month or two I will be back

in my size 0

. And in 3-4 I will be in my 00 jeans

. The way I'

m supposed to be

. The way I was until recently

. But being ana for that long.when you seek recovery your metabolism doesn'

t know what to do with the sudden food intake and cannot digest it the normal way, hence the weight gain

. If I was any normal person eating at max 900 calories a day would have gained maybe 10 lbs

. But because my body doesn'

t know how to take food in standard portions it gets confused and makes weight gain a more possible and plausible option

.

Now I understa

nd where she is coming from I just feel the need to voice my opinion on my eating disorder as everyone is different

. I agree at 1

35+

you are surely not anorexic, just adopting the behaviors of ana as a "diet" (which at that point will catagorize you as a wannarexic)

If you'v

e never been underweight for your stats then you use restriction as a dietary behavior, its not a mental restriction

.

But relapse doesn'

t reclassify you as ednos or wanarexic

. It'

s simply relapsing

.

I'

m done

. I'll start babbling myself into a hot mess and offendin

g

peop

le an

d her blog is the last thing id ever want to offend.

Until tomorrow

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few words.

Alright. So. I'm sick. And sick is as sick does, so needless to say I'm going to be lazing around sipping on tea. I will update when i feel better.

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Calorie Count

so far this morning ive eaten the healthiest of healthy. we got to go grocery shopping last night and i couldnt help myself, i HAD to have an awesome veg sandwich.

So today i made one with the following ingredients/cal count

Avacado 1/2 - 138
Hummus (artichoke/garlic) 1 tbsp- 25 cal
dijon mustard - 0cal
mayo (1/2 tbsp) 45 cal
spinach -7cal
1 tbsp chopped onion (raw) - 4 cal
2 slices white bread - 140 cal
black pepper - 0cal
cheddar cheese 1/2 slice - 56.5 cal

= 415.50 cal total



there wont be any other foods today and a handful of exercise.
Tomorrow will be a fasting day. the 1st is coming up so soon and im trying to do all i can to check that scale and be at 128 at the MAX (eating healthy (??) when i thought i was pregnant very much offset every inch of progress i had made. Im talking 129-133.... so im trying to get back on track asap as there is NO way ill be meeting my goal for this month. a sad, but truthful statement. )


i will keep everyone updated on how my fasting goes tomorrow night :)
and a few other life happenings ... i should get a television show with how much goes on.

2012 reasons to give up?

I feel like life is out to get me. for those who dont backtrack my posts lets give a summary
jan 13th-bought a house (relying on my 12.20 hr pay +commission)
jan 23rd-without warning, and for wrongful reasons, lost my job (including 12.20 hr pay +commission)
jan 24th- score interview with job ACROSS THE STREET from previous job, basically doing same thing for another company
jan 25th- Ace interview, hired on the spot to start monday
Jan 30th- first day of work, going awesome.
Feb somethingoranother- havent had period, PANIC
Feb somethingelseoranother- get blood test for pregnancy, negative
Feb yesterday- finally felt like i was back on my feet
feb 22 (today)- husband gets told he gets to talk to the assistant manager at work tomorrow (the only reason he would do this is to get fired.)


....knocked back on ass....

2012 is out to get me. Its given me every reason to hate everything.

SO.
 i hate my life
i hate my weight
i hate my luck
and im about to collapse into dust from all the stress and anxiety
and to make it all worse my husbands being all sneaky in making my eat by getting mcdonalds( THE WORST POSSIBLE THING) so that he can act like "i paid money for that, dont waste it".
needless to say i will not be posting a calorie count for today.
just imagine fries (tried giving as much as i could to the dogs)
5mcnuggets(no sauce)
3cups broccoli steamed, peppered, and like.... a tiny square of butter (i couldnt help myself, my stomach stretched from all the icky micky Ds)
and an energy drink and a chai frappaccino



lard






anyway, thats my update. Im going to go  take out my frustrations on ...something else. not sure what yet.

short and sweet.

calorie count


1egg - 78 cal
ketchup (1tbsp) - 20
3 ricecakes (butteredpopcorn) - 105
3 cups hot coco - 165


total cal intake = 368

because cal intake is so low i have neglected my exercise today.

today was... long. Thats about it. Long. long. long. long.long.
my stomache is starting to growl, im going to bed before i ruin my 368countofsuccess!

weigh me down.

calorie count

1sausage link - 138cal
1cupcake, limited frosting (must guess on this, average cupcake boxmix 90 cal per plain cupcake) ~130 cal with 1/4 tablespoon frosting?
3 buttered popcorn ricecake- 150 cal
3 cups hotcoco (It snowed, i justify this.) 165 (just powder mix, no added sugar,milk,etc...)
1 cup herbal tea 0caffine -0cal


Total cal intake - 583

short walk today burned around 200 cal

roughly 383 cal intake today after exercise.

im trying really hard to kick the mia habbit and using it as a fallback and strictly restrict intake.
Hopefully that will inspire me enough to finish my canvas piece of artistic portrayal of ana.
I highly doubt that will be an any-time-soon sort of piece, but i will do my best. I believe im going to start posting my art on here. Alot of it has to do with my EDs. It creates what it wants to, my hands just help execute it.


Also, i will not be weighing myself until march 1st on a thursday (as i stated before id much rather ensure that my weight ha gone down before i stress myself out anymore)



and for an update as far as my marrital quarrels, we are doing very good today. I think alot of words were not said, but understood. I came home tonight to a great big hug. I went to bed last night with a warm arm wrapped around me and woke up with a sleepy boy next to me, cuddled close. We get through everything, and im sure this is no more than a speedbump. however he does expect dinner tonight, so i am not sure how i will go about avoiding that meal. Maybe i will be able to simply tell him that as part of my ED i would prefer not to? High hopes. He will not understand because he doesnt see what i see when i look into the mirror. And that is just fine. Because i dont want the world seeing what i see, this hideous cow of a girl. I want them to be blinded by the carnival mirrors just like everyone else.

the warped mindset that i get from EDs is the most interesting thing to try and describe and portray to another human being. I have a newfound friend at my new job. We will call her E. Much like Q, she is interested in what im all about. They like to pick my brain about what it is to live believing everything is stick thin but me. im more than happy to oblige. Like Q said, can't let it define you. Its about time i start spreading my wings and letting people know i am pro ana. not hiding in a blog. Though i may never release my name over the interweb, i will start answering questions in my real life situations when asked, not avoiding. not lying. and not being ashamed.


I will keep everyone posted on a daily basis as much as i can. I appreciate everyones input and support. You're all amazing.

worst idea ever.

Last night my husband and i got into a fight and being the child I am I accidentally said something along the lines of "you make me feel ugly and I've been dealing with bulemia and fallen back into anorexia to try and make you think I'm pretty again and you're so horrid at paying attention that you don't even know when you're playing you're damned video games I'm in the other room throwing up to be beautiful for you!"

Now of course, that's absolutely not why I am ana or mia. It was spiteful. Horrible. But the shock on his face.... He really had no idea. Now either I am really sneaky, or he really doesn't pay attention.

Ouch.

All said and done we are fine. He hasn't said I have to stop. He hasn't said anything. He just cried for a moment. thinking it really was his fault. But afterwards it was nothing. As though it didn't happen. He never told me no more. Or I'm sorry. Or are you okay.

So again, its a silent killer, per say. But that's fine. I will be skinny again. Happy again. And thin. Thin. Thin.

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Acrylic anorexia.

Lately to avoid consumption ive been putting my hunger into painting. it started out as a cherry blossom tree and ended with dripping chocolate. ....delicious.

Ive also been baking.

cupcakes, mainly. Because i really enjoy cupcakes. 

not only taste, but they present themselves so beautifully. 

ive done really good since i found out about my bloodtest results. My husbands family came and visited this weekend, they eat alot. But i found better things to do (dishes, cleaning, baking, painting...etc.)

I havent weighed myself lately. I dont plan on it anytime soon, I still feel ...puffy fat. until i know that i can look down at that scale and see a beautiful 129 again im going to avoid it. so my stats weekly update weight will not be correct for a while. Im glad im doing so good, however today i did cheat and sneak one of those fluffy cupcakes into my mouth today. But it was worth it, so yummy. 

all in all, im happy right now.  all of the panic of the world seems to have subsided momentarily and left me at peace. Every dark aera of my life has ended for now, and new ones have yet to begin.

• I have a reliable job right now, steady pay, something im already familiar with, and everyone loves me (so far)
•  Period came, relieved alot of hormones.
• Finally settled into the new house, no new worries.
• Our furnace has been broken for a week and my fatherinlaw fixed it yesterday so the house is finally warm again
• I dont feel like every peice of art i execute is the ugliest piece of shit alive
• size 3 pants are starting to feel a little loose 

See? things are getting better, i suppose.

I know that this isnt a calorie-counting-die-to-be-thin post, but those are daily for me. Its nice for a change to almost feel comfortable in my own skin and just "let my hair down" for a while. 

You guys comments helped me too, knowing im not alone, and knowing im in your thoughts. it does wonders. thank you guys! :)

Define you.

Today was rough, to say the least. I know, i know, there she goes again updating twice a day... i need it.
Falling back into ana was so easy its scary. I had an Orange-cicle. and a milkyway (because i became shakey) and maybe 5 bugles chips...
"come on skinny love just last the year" Skinnylove by birdy.

Okay, deep breath. This is the hard one. So all day today ive wanted to do nothing but cry. The fact that my "cycle" decided to start made my emotions go haywire all over the place. Im in pain. SERIOUS PAIN. My cramping is usually bad but this is really bad. it hurts to move. muscles pinch and spasm when i take a piss. and now my emotions are all over the place. I feel like my body is trying to mourn the loss of a child even though i didnt even have one, im stuck in mourning and i dont know how to turn it off. I just want to fall apart. Keeping things together at work was hard...
but... (and i know its sad to say) i used to think i was an ugly cryer. And so i learned to have a straight face when i cried. And then i realized it ruins my fake eyelashes. So then i learned to hold the tears in. So now? I cry without any water. I mourn without any wrinkles. And that saved me today from falling apart infront of everyone.


Ive also felt like a horrible person because i am so selfish that i am excited to starve rather than have a kid, what is wrong with me? Ana. Mia. Everything-in-between-a....

A girl i work with today, lets call her Q... dont ask why. I just feel like shes a Q. Anyway, Q told me a life story on paper today, and so easily. Ive tried that, falling face first into every damaged good about me, but i get too scared of judgment. And she mentioned something along the lines of she doesnt let her ailments define her. Maybe shyness of being judged is okay. But i do let ana define me. I let every illness, ailment, defect... every damaged good define me.

i guess its time to move on. To grow up. Not to let ana or mia go, because they are honestly the only controlled substances i have anymore. But to let it not define me, dont let restrictive eating restrict who you are i guess. or something relatively sappy and inspirational.

Im going to go binge, and take great enjoyment when i purge, because that is my normal. that is just a part of me. not the whole me.

doctor calls.

Results?

Not pregnant

And for about 4 hours I panicked it was something worse.

And then?

My period.

Wow. Honestly? Life loves giving me the run around.

I haven't cried yet. I'm not sure how to feel. If its ok to feel relieved. Or if its ok to be upset I'm not. Or if It's ok that I'm so insanely relieved that i can get back to avoiding food like the plague. But maybe that's all it needed to kick start, food. Maybe it really did get that bad. Who knows. Point is. Ana is back in my life. and her company is all I want right now. All i need. I don't want to have a war in my head. I like it better when starving is the right thing to do. The okay thing to do. And no one can say anything because it doesn't affect anyone else. There's security in ana. It's my comfort blanket. That's all for now. I must gallivanter off to work

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S.Y.M.P.T.O.M.S. of E.L.L.I.E

ectopic pregnancy.
Anemia.
Ovarian Cancer.
Ovarian cyst.
Early menopause.
Eating disorder.
Stress.
Hypothyroidism.




...i still have heard nothing back. and ill be honest, im flat out annoyed. I must know if i am pregnant. I must know so that i can continue with my normal routine of obsessive calorie counting, weighing, purging, restricting. Eating disorders keep me sane. I am dying right now. Eating normal. The subtle extremely loud thought of all the ingestion being a pointless setback.




cravings? cant tell. Urinating? constantly. Sore chest? no. Mood swings? Off my rocker. Weight gain? Yes. Back pain? Yes. Tired? Constantly. Unable to focus? (also sign of shock) Yes. Vaginal Bleeding? NONE. Cramps? Yes. White lotion-consistency discharge? Yes. Itchy belly? A little. Dark areolas? Not really.. but i do not pay attention to my nipples alot so i dont know if its changed. Sharp pains around hips/ovaries? Yes.  there are so many more symptoms i could name but... i dont see the point




BACK TO ANA.


calorie intake today




1hotdog (plain) 242 cal
1banana 105 cal 
2 slices bacon 68.7 cal
2 tbsp greek yogurt plain  round up 50 cal 


=465.70 total cal intake today.




WOOO!!!
 (booo if im prego.)








ejbdfigbiohurfuhdhuhf


tried calling them,. left a message. no one called me back. my husband is starting to get irritated so he is taking me in tomorrow to harrass them for the results. ill keep everyone posted 

shoutout

oh, and just a shout out to  yummy secrets a pro-ana blog
Kim, she is what it means to be a pro ana. I admire her, and the way she never falters in her eating disorder. The way she knit-picks every calorie and tears apart analytical reviews of eating disorders. The way she stands up for every girl who dreams of being thin, but never boasts that she is an ana herself. If anyone wants to read a blog that will caress your ana, your mia, your not otherwise defined, read her blog. She is struggling, not with ED. But with life. Please leave kind words as she has changed my life, i owe it to her to change hers, and sometimes it helps knowing strangers on the internet need you. Her blogs location states washington, and im in idaho. A state away. Less than a 10 hour drive depending on where she might be located. Shes too close to let fall apart. We all know what the battle of ED can do. But we know more what the battle of life can damage. Let her know she is needed.

Hanging up to dry?

Today? Much like yesterday. Still no call from the doctor telling me about my blood test results- constant reminders poking at my anticipation: bruised vein, weight gain, hormones, lack of menstruation.

This is Wednesday of week 3 of being late. 4 weeks will start Monday. 4 weeks. thats a month. so a month late. 2 months without menstruation. WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!?!
:/ the worst part about not knowing is that i am constantly battling my ana.
She tells me "dont eat. dont eat. Your getting fat and they are going to say your not pregnant. so dont eat"
and my humanity tells me "What happens if you are pregnant and you dont eat and starve the thing!? eat just in case. just eat. its fine. eat."
and i, little ellie, sits in the corner holding her ears waiting for the voices to go away.
I want to starve. I do. But i cannot and will not force that on another life. I wish i just knew. So that i could choose eat, or starve. In a normal world its so simple. And if children werent so precious to me then ana would take over my life. Im still sticking to small meals. Restricting my intake. Just no fasting until a for sure answer.

Today?

1banana ~150 cal
1mango ~130 cal
1soft pretzel no salt 150 cal
and 1cup spaghetti 221 cal
and prego spaghetti sauce (1/2 cup is 80, i used less than that in my cup of spaghetti) ~20 cal


Total cal intake today? 671 cal

and with my short walk today i burned  around 250 cal

total cal intake after calories burned~ around 421 (which is pretty good if you ask me)

So hopefully thats enough to suffice a child if there is one.
IM CROSSING MY FINGERS FOR THAT CALL TOMORROW! i want to get back to my dieting, or at least find a way to keep ana in on pregnancy?  Ive been researching it, This is my favorite analysis thus far. Refer to :

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/nedaDir/files/documents/handouts/Pregnant.pdf


I believe i am "


Some women with disordered eating are able to more easily cope with weight gain during pregnancy because 
they see it as a sacrifice for an important cause"


now while i agree that if you are pregnant and dealing with an eating disorder you should most definitely advise your doctor, i dont (being pro-ana) really think its required you "recover" before pregnancy. While it is risk of undernourishment to an extreme, we deal with it anyway. Some ana's or mia's, including myself, find they might be able to eat a little bit, but only enough for a child, and no more than that, because we find it "worth it". While others may say no, my weight means too much.
Its a war. its always been a battle. But not knowing if i am or am not expecting, it has officially become a war.

I will keep you all updated to let you know if i hear anything but for right now i need to go shower.

...i dont even know what im hoping for anymore. baby or no baby.. i just want skinny.

heres your thinspo for the night. thigh gap. (im terrible today :( sorry for the trigger. i just want to die )

I promise ill have something long and interesting to say soon but with valentines day and the doctor I've been rather busy.

So, as an update I went to the doctor. Some psycho woman picked my brain for family medical history. Made me do another urinary assessment (of course that came out negative which is why I'm pursuing the bloodtest- duh.)

Anyway I still don't have the results. Still waiting on that call.

She also pushed on my stomach I'm positive It's potential I now have internal bleeding (thank you medical proffession)

Anywho. To say the least, she thinks something is wrong more than I'm pregnant. So that's ...well...Shit. to be honest. It's Shit. If it comes back negative and in a week I still don't menstrate I have to go back in and get a papsmear so they can see what's up with my decaying organs. I've been assuming the worst. No.big.deal.   ill keep you posted.

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Tomorrow is the day.

Officially into my third no menstruation week. :/ Panic, fear, anxiety. Its attacked me in every angle. But the other day ( as well as a little bit today ) i keep feeling flutters in my stomach. Flutters of movement. Wishful thinking? Muscle spasms? We will find out tomorrow. Saturday-today i have eaten like a normal person. My calorie intake was around 2000 per day im sure.But here's why... I have this feeling. This gut feeling that someone is in there. Some little darling girl. So tomorrow, 9.am, i have an appointment to get a blood test. The entire pregnancy of my mom for my brother and i both she had nothing but false negatives with urinary assessments. Because its genetic that we have low hcg levels i wanted to be safe and make sure. I have not had a period since December 24th. We are 2 months into the new year with nothing.I get the cramps but i dont get the blood, ( ive read it can be due to the uterus expanding) Its going to suck... havening to eat to keep another life alive, as i am no murderer. But i need some joy. Some sort of awesome to happen. Im going to feel like the biggest loser if i go and its negative (a. because im positive its pregnancy, b. because that would lead me to believe that i have an issue with my thyroid which is also a genetic issue that my family tends to have, my mother underwent radiation treatment for it when i was young.) ill probably cry either way, because im a loser.


i promise i will update whats happened the past 3 days tomorrow, for now? Ill try to rest.

what now?

This is short sweet and to the point.

I am an emotional wreck.

I had an anxiety attack at work

Came home

Tried to paint out my frustrations

Got so mad the easle wasn't sitting still I threw my brush through the canvas.

Tried taking a shower

Got soap in my eyes

Cried in shower curled in a ball like cheesy "girl interupted" sort of movie.

Researched pregnancy symptoms

Still freaking out about that.

It's been a long day. I'm tired. I'm forever late on my period. And I have no idea what ill do if i AM pregnant. :/ I need things to get better soon. Please.

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Pregnancy scares, little ellies, and not so little bellies.

So. Still late on that period of mine. Ive been in panic mode for about 2 weeks. Now im just flat out losing it. I snap at everyone. cry over everything. a girl in size 9 looked skinnier than me today...

hi, im fat. Size 3 fat....
Im actually the size in the middle to most people. but i feel like i look like the girl to the right. and want to be the girl to the left. Maybe its because my torso is so small? either way, its killing me.

I just want to be skinny. i feel sick, i pee every hour to an hour and a half (but that may be because in order to . avoid food consumption i stick to liquids i.e. water, coffee, energy drinks) Ive taken ...8 tests now? Its impossible to get a false negative 8 times right? right? right?! I hope so. I cannot take much more of this. I am also taking walks, every single night for 2-3 hours then come home and sit in a hot bath to sweat some more fat off. and some how i am at 132.2 empty weight?  either there is a poor starving child miraculously growing inside me, im bloated as fuck (by 4 lbs) or this water weight is taking some serious toll.
I have been researching free clinics to get tested by, if there is no menstration by saturday im going.

I want to be comfortable. Cozy. Skin and bones.


On another note, today my food intake was the worst ever. I became a pig for the day (again, with the stress eating)


Food/calories
Breakfast:
2 eggs / 140
2 slices bacon/ 80
1 banana / 105
2 tablespoons peanut butter / 190

Lunch :
2 eggrolls (spring) / 640

Dinner:
quesadilla (cheese) / 490

TOTAL: 1645

http://www.healthstatus.com/calculate/cbc says i burned 2756 cal today
but i will assume probably around the 645 area with my walk and sit ups-if not more?

Total affecting calorie intake then? : estimated 1000

Which on a 1200 max calorie intake i did okay.


I need to shoot for under 500cal a day. :/

Ellie and the Deep Dark secret.

Oh to be ill. To be manic. To be the poster child for disorders. To be sick, To be disturbed. To be everything you're not supposed to be. While I agree, eating disorders are serious business, they are also a simple, but- mind you, very heavy- teaching tools. I am one who embraces my disorder. My "illness" because i have chosen not to fight it. not to flee it. Not to leave it. Restrictive eating trains me to define wants and needs.. Bulimia trains me to "have my cake and eat it too" in a distorted view. But oh how i love how acheiving the goals feel. How i love when i see myself for that split second as a thin, and a beautiful. (silly side note, my OCD kicked in. Whenever i italisize something i cannot highlight the word as well as the spaces beside it as i fear the spaces will be italisized as well.) I feel like all the hate toward myself and the judgment and the torture all pays off for that brief moment of being a beautiful.

Straying away from the sentimental bullshit, It seems im being somewhat successful in the ana and mia aspect ( as gross and TMI as it is) because my digestive tract has forgotten the proccess to digest. My stool is hard, solid. There are peices of undigested food. (not that im a creep who analyzes her shit, but, im a creep whos analyzing her shit.) i consider this an element of success.
Funny thing, acutally. I always feel so self concious posting these private speculations online, bound forever in a digital ink. Feeling alone in my words, my ways. But Im not alone. And i know that, because of my followers. Because of my readers. Because of the blogs i read.
Now as far as analyzing poop, i havent read that yet. But im sure im not alone. And if i am, well, maybe my ED is worse than i thought...

And I believe theres a few more subjects tonight. Before i hid myself in a bubble bath to type this my husband asked if i would be applying for a job (better paying job) in here (as id advised him i would today) and i lied and said i would be watching netflix (because im a telly addict?) Its not like i can say, no sweetie. Im going to go blog about how i almost didnt eat today and how im disgusted with myself and thats why you cant join.
The worst part, i believe, about my eating disorder is the way it affects my marriage. Ive contemplated divorce so that i can starve and vomit whenever i want. So that weighing myself isnt every time i sneek off to pee. id have a carpet of scales, telling me how fat i am. And a wall of funhouse mirrors that only make me skinnier than i am. I wouldnt have to get food when grocery shopping (and wouldnt be tempted to eat it). Id be free to dissapear in my eating disorder forever. (but maybe its for the best that i cant, im already crazy enough.)

Last, but not least. My moods have been at an alltime low. Im not sure if its the lack of nutrients and food consumption, the anxiety, the lack of menstration 0.0 (still pissed about that.) or whats going on. I have been in FITS OF RAGE Lately. Today, i broke down in tears because i couldnt find the envelopes. The envelopes! I had a mental breakdown because of envelopes...
I hope the sunbeams come through the clouds soon. Im about to lose it.

feast or fast

As I write this I am gourging myself with mongolian grill. Hello binge purge session.

I've been so unhappy. Lately, everything looks bigger. I haven't been eating. And what I have has been cleansed from me moments after why is there still weight. I need skinny. I miss skinny. The next thing ill het is stretch marks.  I'm

Fat.

Now I know, we all say that. We all see skinny as fat, blah blah blah. I see what society sees as fat. Cellulite. Lard. Disgusting. I miss being beautiful. I miss being pretty. I miss being THIN.

I will throw up until I get there. Until my throat bleeds.

It's grousome. It's sick. Disturbing. But its the honest to god truth.

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treat yourself to skinny.

I find when I focus myself on not eating my appetite gets out of hand and I want to eat the entire world but when i ignore it It's so much easier to skip meals.

Today we had friends over and had a fire in the fire pit out back, roasting marshmallows and hotdogs.

I feel unclean .

I know its part of the mental illness that comes with eating disorders but i feel like everything in my stomach is the equivalent to what you would find at a sanitation land fill. I just want to scrub it clean with soap and bleach. But now, the most I can do is invite mia in.

I feel bigger than normal today

Bloated. Water weighed down. I'm irritable. I have cramps. But still no menstration. I'm panicing still.

Maybe the sudden diet change of one Meal a day to nothing has fucked up my organs? Maybe its just stress. Maybe its a blood clot. Maybe my ovarian wall is too thick to let anything out. Maybe I am pregnant and the tests are all lying.

There are way too many variables. I just need it to be over. So I can stop the anxiety.

And last but not least, the sweet tooth I've had lately is unbearable.

I've been obsessively sneaking in treats to my diet. I feel ashamed. Like a child stealing from the cookie jar. I've tried sticking to hard candies. But i want the good stuff. The cupcakes slathered in frosting. The cookies engourged with chocolate chips. The donuts blanketed in glaze.... I want it all.

I wish it was acceptable to chew it and spit it out. To save my throat from the acidic damage its been undergoing lately. Mia, she is so harsh sometimes.

Oh, speaking of Mia. Today i woke up with my stomach feeling like id done 1000 crunches the day before. I could feel my muscles tightening. But the only stomach exercise I did yesterday was inviting mia for some quality time. I know its not the same as muscle burning work outs. But that doesn't mean it didn't feel nice. 

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mia must be MIA

Today my husband made dinner. 

I hate when he does that. anyone else would flaunt how loving their spouse was... mine...means i have to eat. And my new work schedule (i leave to work before him) leaves alot less room for purging. I dont eat at all during work. but when he gets home and dinner is made for me, i dont have the option of purging. and i have all day tomorrow off with him. I miss mia.  Bulimia is a common advocate for my eating disorders, and i am going to have to wait until tomorrow for her to visit.

Today, however, until work, i stuck to strictly liquids. caffeine free cream soda (1/2 can) 75 cal give or take

Hot chocolate (one cup) 56.5 cal give or take (half a pack of chocolate, watered down to shit)

Water (lost count around cup 5)

Butternut squash soup (1/2 cup) 97 cal

coffee (black, 1 cup) 5 cal

Herbal tea (a million cups) 0 cal. and no caffeine. 

TOTAL CAL 234 (rounded up) and  t hen of course the food

1/4 rice a roni chicken around 53 cal

so 287 cal. roughly.

thats pretty good right? Could have done better. But for it all being liquid it should digest pretty fast. and im going on a walk later to burn them all off. and then some.

I had to pee alot, to say the least. but then i get home... and dinner is there. and i feel like my successful no food diet has failed... again...

Damn you rice-a-roni.

well, tomorrow is a new day. And im going out of town to some winter wonderland festival thats supposed to have some very adorable ice carvings, i can avoid food if i forget my wallet :)

Panic.

Through the years that ana has been a part of my life, my ovaries have never been in danger. Ive never been so bad that i didnt menstruate, but i have officially gone one month and 2 weeks without any menstruation and i am freaking out. I want kids. SO bad. and its difficult to balance the eating disorder and healthy reproductive organs. I am not pregnant. let us clear that right now. I have taken about 7? (give or take) tests so far (this is where my anxiety falls into play) and i show no signs of pregnancy. Ive made sure its from first morning urination, blah blah blah. and still, nothing. I am not particularly regular per say, but i have never gone an entire calendar month without menstruation. And to make it worse i have this stinging pain in my right abdomen around where ovaries are located.
There is no choosing between children and ana. ana always wins. sometimes that kills me inside, but its not even a mind set of i want to be skinny at that point. its a mindset of i must be skinny.

Now, what ive said had got me thinking why am i pro-ana? Pro ana is being diagnosed with said eating disorder and choosing to decline recovery. But for me i feel like i havent chosen it. I feel like its been forced on me, like my brain and i are no more in sync than apples and oranges. Normally i embrace my eating disorder. I enjoy every second of it... but lately all i feel is panic and desperation.

And what if the tests are wrong? and im starving another life? what if im forcing ana on them? not that they would even survive my restrictive eating...

anxiety sets in and i feel like ive lost all color...Dear ana, id like to live in harmony. You can take me all you want, but please do not take my child.

eat. purge. starve. purge.

I have had nothing but tea today and my bodies reflex is to purge everything out. I keep getting bile in my throat. Or what i assume to be bile anyhow.

Yesterday I failed at no eating. Today I have it all planned out. I have all my liquids in bringing to work so that I can avoid temptation. These include tea, hot coco, cream soda (my vice) and water. I am also bringing half a cup of a green smoothie (spinach, blueberries, bananas, apples) in case of emergency only. Oh. And coconut water, I love coconut water. So today should be a good day! Today is one of those I can feel my stomach shrinking days. I'm a little hungry. But nothing too serious. I'll update later tonight and let everyone know how it went

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hello ellie.

I had sugar for my lunch today. Not in the sense of sugar grains but in the sense that I had a cinnamon roll and i feel... Disgusting.

However, apparently I'm still beautiful as everyone at my new job finds me fancy and wants to converse with me. Which is nice. But i no longer have the support of veira ( my friend from my previous employement who also deals with EDs) on a daily basis. It sucks. I feel alone again. Alien. I just want someone to talk to about how I threw up my lunch yesterday and to support me in not eating. To not eat with me.... It's hard. When your alone. You feel much more disgusting. But that's why I have my readers. I know as far as fellow blogging followers I have next to none. But a lot of my readers don't have blogs. They just read. Which is great, id love to have more followers. But in due time.

Didn't I say I wasn't eating today?

I'm so good at this failing thing. :( 

Tomorrow. No food.

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today, newday.

It's late and I'm tired so we will make this short and sweet. I had my first day at the new job today. I noticed my stomach is shrinking already. But the weight isn't comming off. And my bulimia is becoming a muscle memory. My stomach wants to purge. It's too full, even when not full. So i am going to resort back to tea drinking. No eating at work. No eating at home. Because of the seperate schedules, lying is going to be more available than ever. I have 6 weeks of training to starve myself and be able to handle the headaches, anxiety, and fatigue without it affecting my job performance. Starting tonight, no food until Wednesday. Again, making goals. Setting myself up for failure. Maybe this time I will be strong. Ana, you are in charge. Eat me whole.

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Mouthfulls of Ellie.

I havent updated in a few days and i sincerely apologize for that. I have had a tough few days.
Things are finally starting to calm down. But the past few days (as ive mentioned before about the stress eating) ive consumed more than im willing to share. I just spent the past 10 minutes purging my french toast. i keep telling myself well, maybe today. and ill just fast tomorrow. well maybe one cupcake. ill just throw it up. well maybe a slice of pizza... it wont add that much weight. and the next thing you know i jump on the scale and my 129 has disappeared forever.
Success never lasts...

My throat is starting to burn, partially from all the vomiting. The rest is just because in order to gag myself a have to plunge the bottom of my batman toothbrush down my throat and smack the walls of it. its sort of a wake up call to my gag reflex.

I cant wait until im to the point where i dont have to worry about having a small muffin top and can expose my hip bones as i please.

As  ive stated previously ive had an issue with purging- where i cant seem to get everything out- and i had a weak moment and looked into some "tipsandtricks" from the wannarexic and wannabelimics. and as i was reading i realized, these people are children. not in a sense of age, but in a sense of maturity... its insulting. one post i read was "I like, ate a cream puff one day, and was like oh shit im gonna get fat. and so i went and threw up cause i saw it on tv once. and like, it totally made me thinner! but like, i dont know how often to do it ? can someone help give the newbie some tips? "
ED is not a fashion statement. and everyone wears it like a brand new coach purse or something. This blog is the ONLY time i ever openly discuss my eating disorder, and its under a sudo name. This i an issue ive dealt with for over 10 years and it just heats me when people treat it like an adopted fashion statement.

Do they even know what its like to look in a mirror being skin and bones and see even the smallest hint of a tummy pouch and want to tear open their stomach to remove their organs so they can be thinner? Do they have any idea what  its like to want thigh gap so bad that you consider medical procedures but the only thing stopping you is the roof over your heads mortgage? Hate is a strong strong word... and i know that for my fellow anas that weve all hated ourselves. every day.

The scale lied to me yesterday. It said i lost 6 pounds. I knew it was lying and after adjusting it to a flatter floor area it was crystal clear that i hadnt. but what if i had? I still wouldnt have believed it. Because i still see this whale in the mirror.

I dont want to have to hide anymore.. i want my skeletons out of the closet and on to body. I want to be thin. Thin so that i dont have to be bulimic for the rest of my life. or anorexic. because when our bodies arent used to digesting food they have a harder time doing so later on-whether it be treatment that was sought, or just  situations that rose- if we ever stop our bodies dont stay thin. Ive experienced this first hand and i never want to go back to this. Bulimia is killing my throat and its only been dabbled in for a few months. Anorexia is so hard when food tastes so good. but hating myself after isnt worth it. I want to be skinny again.

I had a friend maggie come over last night. size 6. 6. when i look at her i see me. But how is that me when im a size 3? i dont see a difference. girls in size 8, or 9.... they all look like me. except their torsos are thinner. and their thighs arent as fat. and logically, i know that i MUST be thinner than they are to be a size 3. but this eating disorder alters my logic. and tells me im not thin enough, and i need to be thinner. and i believe her. i need to be thinner. because skinny is never skinny enough.

Acids.

The purging "schedule" my body has become comfortable with (every. time. i. eat) is starting to show its signs of wear and tear, I hate to display something so personally...gross... but its part of my blog. Putting me out there, for EVERYONE. I am constantly vomiting in my mouth lately, and its very acidic and burns my throat. and it happens probably every hour, maybe more. Its obnoxious. scary. mostly obnoxious. Also, after losing my job ( despite that i got another one today ) my anxiety is becoming a very close friend, squeezing my hand and reasurring me that nothing will be okay. (there we go again with acidic mouth vomit.) the company i was employed by has gone on some sort of crazy purging spree- OH! did you see that? i used purge in something other than voluntary vomiting!  Anyway, they are basically firing everyone. And because my husband is also employed there hes just as vaunerable to losing his job as i was. I just closed on my house on the 15th of this month. a thousand and one new bills are showing up and now im making 4 dollars less an hour than i was before. It's so frustrating. Im in panic mode. I have no idea how we are supposed to keep payments on our bills if my husband is also discharged as an employee.
Now how is this affecting my eating disorder? Two words. stress eating. i keep making these goals to not eat, or to purge if i eat. but then i end up eating because im depressed and anxious. and then im so shaky and anxious that i cant purge everything i ate, only a little bit. and then i get paranoid im going to gain weight over it. I ate peanut butter today. PEANUT BUTTER! the fattiest spread alive.

No, I dont want to recover. I dont want to learn how to be satisfied with a normal weight. I dont want to justify eating normal. I dont want a size 3 to be considered small.
I want to be thin. With size 0 jeans. and save money on groceries because im only buying for my husband. and to have a tight ass. and no jiggles. and no cellulite. and bones. I want my hip bones to elegently protrude from my skin. I want collar bones to be so defined that the dip could have cereal eaten out of it. not that i would eat cereal from it. I want a jaw line that could cut diamonds.

Husband is home from work.... goodnight readers

The beginning

Today is looking up. I got another job. I havent gained any weight from that grilled cheese. Or my binge purge session last night

(Egg cheese Bacon omlett, more bacon, two pepsi's, ketchup, 4 pieces of toast, spinach spread, cheese slice, hot wing ruffled chips, barbecue chips, hot dog w/ bun ketchup mustard )

Also. I'm so awake today i might actually get something done. (Painting, crocheting,finish unpacking) speaking if crochet I also finished 2 slouchy beanies yesterday. I really need to put up my Etsy.com account.

Today i think I will still with tea. I haven't eaten yet. And if I do it will only be a green smoothie. :) time for a bath.

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1 pound 2 pound 3 pound 4

So the weight is FINALLY starting to shred off. At a full weight I would be around 133-135. This morning at a full I'm at 129. I've been trying to drop below 130 for weeks! I'm so excited about this accomplishment. Ive been doing nothing but tea. And when I'm hungry I only eat green smoothies (except for the grilled cheese I had yesterday. I was depressed. I accept that. )

Today is just getting started to I will update more later on :)

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hello, hello, hello.

Today at 8:35 am my life had a boost of confidence. Less than 8 hours after applying for a new job I have an interview. And im a shoe in. So that's great! Less pay, but still enough for bills.

Which is good. Great actually. And to know I'm so qualified is a relief. However its another desk job. Those things really kill when they put on the weight.

And today I will be pursuing legal action against my previous company. Right now life is good. :)

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The end,

And so it begins, the end of my world. I am crushed.
Today i was terminated from my job. I know that everyone says its wrongfully, but it truely was in my scenareo. I will not go in to deep details as its irrelivant... My point is i feel so insanely worthless at this moment and so confused. I feel like its either pointless to ever eat again because id rather be dead right now (PLEASE everyone keep in mind i just bought my very first house on january 15th and my mortgage being paid relied on...oh... you know, A PAYCHECK. >:[ ) but, if i dont eat again it takes effort to starve. alot of effort. i have to force myself to not eat, convince myself why its an awesome  idea. Or maybe i should just eat. Im a stress eater, and im stressed. i want to eat the entire world right now, im so angry.

I took a break, and i painted. May all your weeds be wildflowers, right? so long story short after some vigorous painting and some long discussions discretely with some management positions at my previous employer it has come out that i was wrongfully terminated in such a manner than i have a very easily won case with an attorney who will agree to a contingency (meaning i do not pay them unless the case is won, in which manner the party at fault usually pays) so i will be speaking to the human resources department tomorrow morning as well as the department of labor and a few attorneys to ensure that i have a solid case. I will also be sewing them for personal damages (stress levels, anxiety, etc...)

In the mean time i totally fell apart and ate a grilled cheese, slathered in melty cheese goodness, slathered bread slices in butter, and drowned in calories. it really warded off the stress.. comfort food... is...so....good...
I havent checked my weight all day, but ive already had so many dissapointments that being FAT will not work well with this day, it might just cause a mental breakdown so that i fall onto the carpet writhing in pain and foaming out the mouth, who knows.


So, to all my fellow ana's, may all your weeds be wildflowers. Especially Kim.

early morning

I was in such a hurry this morning I didn't have time to make my day 2 green smoothie (which im actually insanely proud of, as that means Ive skipped breakfast)

I love the weekends because I work at 10 and for some reason it makes it easier to not eat all day. Also, my pants are starting to feel loose. Not sure if its for real or wishful thinking. But there is always hope.

Today I did awesome. Until about 930 when a pro ana friend, we will call her veira, (to protect her name as I'm not sure she's okay with me publicly expressing her ED) Invited me to casa Mexico for Mexican.

It was nice to see her outside of work and just talk. So the calories deemed worth it. I however when i got home did ensure that the stomache was empty. That's right. More purging. It's become natural to my body. Any time i eat. Any time there is weight in my stomach it feels like an anchor and my stomach is the strongest man in the world trying to push it out. But its fine. Skinny is as skinny does.

Success means success.

All that jazz....

I'm tired. 12:08 pm...I've had a long day. It's time to rest. Goodnight.

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I LIED.

sorry, i finally got some privacy before bed and reread my last post and recognized the original point i was going to make, quick update.


Im terrified of letting ana take over. but im also terrified that it wont.
Im at least making progress now, today at a "full" (only that green smoothie which was a cup and a half) i was 130 even. (for some reason lately ive been around 131/132 which is OBNOXIOUS) i cannot wait til im back down to 100lbs... id go back to 98 if i wouldnt be institutionalized for it, but my husbands made very clear that weight is a no-no and i will experience much more than a slap on the wrist if i get down that far. I havent told him my intentions lately. he knows im trying to lose weight, he sees how unsatisfied DISGUSTED I am with myself lately... maybe he will turn a blind eye. ok, last post. goodnight!

entitled, or undeserving?

I've recently come to find that my husband is seeking employment in some oil fields in Colorado. It's great money, sure. But he would also require I quit my day job. Not only would this make more time for painting, crochet, and any other silly art projects I pick up to replenish my Etsy.com account and get the small end of an art business going (which I've practically been begging for) but it would also give me the finances to seek out that double major for graphic design and fine art in NCAD in Washington. The downside? Less monitoring. The less focus or ability to focus on my eating habits means more room for skipping meals. More room for purging. More room for the eating disorder to swoop in.

Which means more weight loss, Woooo. But also means I'm going to be alone the majority of the day. And generally when I'm alone I pick myself apart piece by piece until there's nothing left. I've done my fair share of being financially stable. I pull 88 hours a paycheck which is every 2 weeks. I do over time when I can (as a customer care rep for a large phone company my job is emotionally tolling) -pause on that thought-

I went to work and had something important to say but totally spaced it.

ON A HIGHER NOTE! I registered as i stated before for www.greensmoothiechallenge.org and am trying out their first recipe right now as a replacement for dinner so the husband thinks I'm eating, and let me tell you... I never knew spinach in a smoothie would be so awesome. These will be my meal replacements. The only issue is that the recipe calls for a big intake of ingredients, I.e. 3 bananas. I need to find a way to cut these down so they are a ana friendly serving size (which in a perfect world would be nothing)

I will update you guys on the recipes tomorrow just in case anyone wants to try them and not have to wait for one recipe a day!

Also,.I've been religiously reading this yummy secrets blog by a girl named Kim. I feel like I have so many questions I want to ask her to validate that my "illness" of anorexia is real. I love reading what she has to say. But I shouldn't have to have someone else tell me I'm anorexic to know I'm anorexic. I know I am in the manner I intentionally partake in starvation. In restricted diets. I go as far as adopting other EDs I.e. bulemia (which has now become a common friend of mine). The feeling of full is a feeling of shame. Id do anything to die thin. And that's enough to know this is real. This isn't something I've made up in my head. Or is it? Maybe when i get results of organ failure again... I used to be skinny before depression had its way with me. Before the love of my husband tried to blow out my ana candle. But who says it wasn't just thin?

Who knows.... It's not a disease. Or is it. It's not a way of life or everyone would do it. It's something special. Like an imaginary friend or guardian angel even. Ana was pushed into the background for a while, but as we all know she doesn't play wallflower very well. She is is control. She deserves control. She embraces me and tells me i can be beautiful even when i don't believe it. <3...

Sorry. Light ramble. I will be back tomorrow.

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green smoothie challange.

So to satisfy the assumption that I'm a "normal" eater for my husbands sake any consumption of food I plan on will now be the green smoothie challange. This way it explains weight loss, but still looks like I'm consuming a normal diet. I talked a while back about how i was curious if blending food into liquidated forms helped dropped weight. I've done a lot of research on it and yes it does work itself out of your body faster, but barely. Also, the calories are still there. And its still food. But less food. And also means that meats no longer affects my diet, yay less fat intake!

Also, Ive come to the unprofessional conclusion I have OCD. I pick. Constantly. I pick as though I just smoked meth out of a pipe. Any goose bump, zit, ingrown hair, swollen follicle, bug bite. I pick until i feel whatever was in my skin is out. At work i have to pull up my computer systems in certain orders or I get frazzled and nervous. If my hair isn't in the right place or i have too much makeup or not enough I feel like i have to do it over until its perfect. I've missed work for my version of a bad hair day. It throws my whole day off if I don't do my morning routine on Friday of greys anatomy episodes from Thursday and herb tea.... And eating.. if i eat too much. What is too much. Why can't I go without eating. why is eating even a craving. How do I curb the food appeal. I've eaten more than one snack and i can only have so much food in my stomache so i have to go throw it up..... I have developed the capability to recognize my disorders. Eating. Mental.

I'm stressed. And confused.

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I will not die until I'm thin.

There's something wrong inside of me. Something I emotionally cannot resolve. I also have reason to believe that my "dabbeling" in balemia is no longer just a dabble... With each heave of snacks I check the scale. With each check I go down a notch in weight. With each notch the more I want to purge.

Now, I don't want it to be mistaken that i one day decided to purge to be skinny. That's not how it happened. I had actually cried so much that i spilled my guts into a toilet bowl. And when i was finished, it felt SO GOOD. And I had no intentions of stopping. And so I continued.

And saying that, today I made a night of it. I set the mood with some soft music, the volume low so i could still hear the pitters and Patters of rain on my skylight in my bathroom (probably my favorite part of my new house) and grabbed my toothbrush and gently slid it down my throat to encourage my stomache to empty itself of anything. And then i checked the scale as I normally do and it dropped. And so i continued. And continued. And continued. And kept going even after nothing was left. And found that my throat wanted to stop. But my head, my head wanted to keep going. It wanted to go until I hit 100lbs....

It made me nervous. But excited. Finally. Some progress. But not near enough progress.

I'm going to go nap... The vomiting took everything out of me. Everything.

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Tea time.

Tea has become my one and only vice. Not only does it satisfy my skin, but it keeps off the weight. I have decided that food isn't worth it anymore. The taste isn't worth the weight. Those little treats I give myself every so often that are compact full of sugar such as coffee from Starbucks, hard candies, etc, will now be cut out. Its nearing the end of January and I'm still not even close to my goal weight. I'm thinking March will be my month.

It's not that I can't eat. I can. I want to. Food tastes so good. But I've had a break down every day since this weight gain. I hate myself. There is no sex in my marriage anymore because I'm so ashamed of how I look. It's gotten the best of me.

So. Today will be a work out day. And avoid food day. Any food. Even little foods. The husband will be at work, so it should be an easy task.

Intentional starvation.... That's the only way I know that there is a disease.

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when ellie eats.

I've noticed lately when I do a binge and purge session that even after I'm empty that my throat still feels full. Not my stomach. But my throat. It worries me. But what worries me most is how much I indulge in this anymore. Since I moved into my house three days ago I find myself vomiting any food I consume and then some for good measure. Before, I purged maybe once, twice a day. But now? Now I feel that because my bathroom is so secluded and no one will know, that I now have the freedom to eat whatever I want. This is dangerous ground I am treading on. And my feet are barely calloused enough to sheild the stones.

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H2only

So to finally achieve some sort of weight loss today I will have a piece of toast. And then, water. Just water.  And the only reason for the toast is because I will be cleaning my apartment for the move out inspection and don't want to pass out in an ucky gucky mess.

For now. Finding nemo. No thoughts of food. Of weight. Just finding nemo.

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In too deep.

I've said before, thin is never thin enough. But where is the line for enough and too much. I read a blog today - yummy secrets - and this girl Kim was discussing how her hair is thinning and her teeth are weakening (rotting sounds to vulgar of a word in this scenario)

I was there once. My skin would just start peeling off as if I was doing meth. My eyes got very glazed. My skin lost its pigment-goodbye rosey cheeks. I got hangnails that would tear down to my knuckles. It. Was. Aweful.

And yet id give anything to be there again. I don't know how this got so carried away. And i resent any and everyone who told me i was unhealthy. They might as well have shoved a fist of crisco down my throat.

Fat. It wasn't as scary as it is now. What happens when i can't get control? I'm terrified of getting fatter. Staying as this as I am. Getting too thin. I'm terrified of every aspect. I want to wither. Like a dying rose. Until I'm so withered its beautiful. Fragile. Thought about.

Today has been a hard one. I baked this cake. This beautiful cake. And made this wonderful meatloaf. And ate a slice of cake. And the meatloaf; untouched.

Even one slice of cake makes me sick.

It makes me want to try everything I can to remove it from myself. But anymore with purging, I feel not everything comes out. I feel like the second a parcel of food goes into mg mouth an anchor of weight hits my stomach and doesn't leave.

And i read all these horror stories..of death by purge. And torn stomache lining. And acid erroded asophigus. I'm positive I spelled that wrong.

I just.... I am frightened. Frightened to be fat. Frightened to die from skinny.

But is rather die skinny in the long run.

I am going to post a picture of myself. As much as is prefer this be anon, I'm positive that no one will find me. And anyone who reads this will just assume the name to this face is ellie. Ellie gold.

(Not to be mistaken with ellie goulding, who is a wonder.)

When you look at this. If you see pretty. And your a fellow ana. You'll understand that i see a fat face. If you have never experienced a thinful eating disorder, I hope this helps you understand how dramatic an eating disorder can change a persons preception.

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I used to think there was nothing a warm soak couldn't cure. But this feeling of disgust Wont seem to leave me. I am beautiful. Somewhere, deep under this trans fat comforter that we call skin. I ate a slice of cake today. Cake that I made in a hurried mess just so i could feel as though things were a little more homey in this house. Cake that i want to throw up. And now, I can! Moving from that one bedroom apartment into this 3 bedroom 2 bath miracle has done me wonders.  You can't hear what anyone's saying in the other room. You can't hear purging, or the addictions of an anorexic. The fountain of a belimic. I can finally indulge in the skinny I need.

I haven't made much progress. It's been about a week of one meal a day and I've lost nothing.

It's time to cut down even more I guess.

I never want to get this weight again. Ever.

I will forever embrace this eating disorder. Anything to be thin.

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way back when it was all holidays and dresses.

I remember when weight never mattered.

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el-lie

It's hard. I know he has started to monitor my eating habits. I had to force down a granola bar today... My head hurts all the time lately. And i think its just because I'm so depressed about my weight that I can't gain the courage to do anything. I don't want to be in public any more than i have to. I just want to stay home and hide. To sink into the abyss of my black bed comforter and disappear until I'm the weight I want to be. I wish sometimes life worked like butterflies. Or thumbalina I guess. To hide for a while and emerge as the most beautiful thing eyes have ever seen. The worst part about this eating disorder is I'm also a stress eater. Please don't ask me how that works. I'm terrified of gaining weight. But eat when I'm too stressed about it. Then purge. Maybe I'm belimich now too. I never thought I could say this about myself. I used to be so confident. Anorexia wasn't real to me. Just being thin. I was so busy with my family life that i couldn't begin to focus on the matter that i wasn't eating and malnourished. I was beautiful. 

Was.... I wish I could say is...

I'm really struggling with my self perception today.. maybe tomorrow will be easier. I won't have to choke down calories I don't need.

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alive and ill.

It's getting to the point where I want to open my stomache, pull out my organs and free them of any particle of food. I feel like the weight isn't dropping and the

Control isn't there. I am sitting on my bathroom floor deciding if I should purge. My husband is in the living room. He would hear it. He's noticed my eating habits slowly falling back into their normal place. Or lack of habits, I suppose. Even orange juice pulp seems to make my stomache turn at the thought. I wonder if humans can live on nothing but liquid. They have to be able to survive. What about all those people with trekias (spelling?) ? They cannot utilize their throat to swallow and inject their solids in liquid forms.

Sometimes I wish I'd never got married. It wouldn't be considered such an illness that required recovery if there were only pro-ana people around me... But two anas beige together would be damaging to a relationship. I require so much attention and positive reinforcement. Which is ridiculous. My husbands on the short end of this stick. I get mad at him if he doesn't tell me I'm beautiful. But i never believe him when he does. I have a serious self esteem issue that seems only to come out on paper, all of my colleagues tell me I walk with confident air. If only they knew.

Sometimes i question if I'm even ana. I consider lyposuction. Desperate measures of not eating, I can do that. Desperate measures of surgery? I want to do that. But i don't know if they deny you surgery when your at a certain weight. And I fear an addiction to it. I've researched it. But I don't yet have the confidence or finances to walk into an office with a serious intent to go through with it.

I'm going to take some benadryl and fall asleep. Apparently now I'm becomming an avid drug user.

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flab

Feeling flabby today. I am not the most satisfied. I don't know how i feel so bloated when I purged everything last night. There shouldn't be anything in my stomache to make me feel this bloating.

I'm also very nervous because i just took 10 days off work to move into my new house and i feel like I eat when I'm not working. It's going to be a big challange to get to my goal weight by the end of February. Dropping 30 lbs in 2 months. No one ever said it was easy.

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Ellie-mic.

I need to purge. well, i guess no one needs to purge but i want to. I feel ashamed when i eat this much,
i feel dirty when im full. unclean. like my insides are full of insulation and about to burst with fibroglass  pieces just shattering everywhere.
but there is a husband in the living room, and close friend. So here i sit in solitude, wanting to get whatever is inside of me out. i just ate maybe 5 minutes ago, i guess i should let it sit there, but my problem is that i had a potato bowl from kfc (i wasnt hungry but my husband noticed i hadnt eaten anything today as it was planned to be a fasting day) and i found there are 750 calories in it and over 2k mg of sodium. 2 THOUSAND MG!!! thats an entire dose of salt in one dish! good thing i had nothing but liquids today.

i found an alternative to solid foods that they sell at walmart today. its juice buddys? something like that. its basically a fruit smoothie but in a tiny pouch for kids with  mixed fruit in the consistency of apple sauce.
so i decided maybe i should make that a diet. buy 7 a week so one a week its like 88 cents per thing, and i could make that my food intake. its enough to keep the acid from eroding my stomach lining. right?
but then when i researched it i found some interesting information. Did you know that saliva is the first step your body takes to digesting food? by consuming a blended form of food, i.e. a smoothie your body doesnt recognize it as quickly as if saliva had taken its part and takes longer to digest (not sure if this is good or bad considering id prefer it to last a while to prevent hunger and bodily damage as we discussed the eroding of a stomach lining before) it also doesnt provide all the nutrients when blended compared to when whole as most nutrient reasearches have claimed.
Chewing also is a muscle exercise for your face thats supposed to prevent jowls but i only see those on people who are overly indulgent in eating exercises so i dont think i have to worry about that. basically what i read told me the best way to digest it is to swish it around in my mouth, alot (considering a normal chewing session per bite should be 50-100 chews) to get the digestion proccess started with my saliva. but no one chews that much anyway. maybe thats why everyone is so morbidly obese. who knows


Tonight, purge.. Tomorrow, fast. Considering the ABC diet in my own fashion. id rather not calorie count but rather eat nothing something something nothing nothing nothing something nothing etc to trick my body the way that ABC does...

i will get back down to size 1 jeans if it kills me,


Oh, and last but not least today, a funny thing happened to me. My husband told me today that he thoguht he had found my "secret blog" .. paranoid, of course, i said "oh yeah?" he proceeded to tell me about some blog of a girl who waits hand and foot on her husband. im glad it was a joke. I dont know what id do if he knew how i am about weight. if he knew i throw up half the meals we eat. Im going to get a before picture soon just so that i   can show everyone how i looked. and how i can look. and a before, before picture. from when i weighed 98 lbs to compare if i look the same ....


...i needed this blog. i feel it helps me recognize my goal and take an extra step into getting there. i enjoy it. goodnight.

Pro-ana, but never skinny enough

How do you start a pro-ana blog? 

...well... lets start this way. You can refer to me as Ellie. i am married. i am 5'3. i am 131 lbs as of today. But lets take a look back for a second so you can understand. Four years i "sufferred" from anorexia. (notice this reference later) I weighed 98 lbs. It started in junior high... my parents got divorced, self mutilation (cutting, piercing) started shortly after. I wont get into the dirty details, but my mother left me stranded, and my dad emotionally clocked out. It was me. Tiny little ellie in the biggest of worlds. Junior high... i started skateboarding to have an excuse as to why i needed to borrow my dads razor blades- to remove the grip tape- and shortly after i had a slip up in sleeve length choice, i was seeing a psychiatrist. and stopped eating lunch at school. and stopped eating breakfast. and stopped eating dinner. and stopped eating snacks. and stopped eating. size 00. and proud. but never skinny enough...

i now work a desk job, i have been there for a year now. ive never worked a desk job, and now i know why! i hate sitting all day. it makes my back hurt, and i feel fat. i am fat. im lardy. im lazy. ive never jiggled. ever. and now? I JIGGLE! on my stomache, my ASS, my thighs, AND NONE OF IT EVER GOES TO MY TITS. go figure. why did i gain weight? how did i go from 98 to 130? I got married. and i loved my husband so much that when he asked me to eat, for him, to get "healthy", i did. and its the biggest mistake of my life. Any time  i eat, even the smallest piece of bread, im immediately exaughsted. tired. sleepy. i have no energy anymore. i have no self success inside of me. i went from a 00 to a size 3! 

i think the big companion in my weight gain was my husband refused to allow me to own a scale... he thinks if i check my weight religiously and decide im not were id like that i will be compulsed to binge and purge or that i will fast. forever. i would, to be honest. and in all honesty hes right. because i went and bought a scale two days ago.. and...i cried. i bawled. i miss being thin. thin is the only perfection about me. no one can ever get enough THIN in their life. 

sometimes i think with thin, there is no hiding. You are skin and bones, no folds, shadows, nooks, or crannies. just a skeleton of who you are and who you will always be. and something about that is so freeing. 

i miss being energetic. 98lbs and i was the energizer bunny! i walked, everywhere. i didnt need food for energy, i ran off of 5 hours of sleep a week and i LAUGHED. i laughed every day and life was the best life could be. 

and now ive lost the color to everything. i started to wear baggy. i started to hide, to cover, to cloak and mask in any tip or trick i could and i hate hiding. and i hate hating myself. i hate being that girl in those novels and those google images who writes "i hate my thighs, im fat, im ugly, im not good enough for MYSELF" ...well... im not. im not good enough for myself. not unless im thin, even if skinny is never skinny enough. 

and "healthy"... society defines healthy as a dotted line weight, no cookie cutter inbetween. they define healthy as certain meals and certain exercise. I define healthy as self satisfied. acheivment in self love. and this is not to be confused with cocky. or conceited. i mean true self adoration where you know you, you dont hide, and you dont need to because you know the world will know you too. you know the world would kill to be you. 

i. need. that. 

and as far as "suffering" from anorexia... thats some bullshit if ive ever heard it. i never sufferred. i thrived off it.

if this triggers anyone, im sorry.

husbands coming. update later...

:/